


my immortroll

by applequest (orangequest)



Series: my immortroll cinematic universe [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asshole Dirk Strider, Awkward Conversations, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cheating, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gun Violence, I'm Going to Hell, Idiotic Ways To Die, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inappropriate Erections, Kidnapping, M/M, Meta, Mild Sexual Content, Multiple Realities, Non-Graphic Smut, Not Canon Compliant - Homestuck 2, Obnoxious Outfit Descriptions, POV Multiple, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Questionable Death, References to Drugs, Reverse Alien Abduction, The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, greetings loved ones, lets take a journey, were just going balls to the wall here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-10-03 19:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 30,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20458415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangequest/pseuds/applequest
Summary: (Originally posted to a server in the Furthest Ring and recovered by yours truly.)A story about Dave Elizabeth Ludacris Snoop Dogg Strider who lives in Texas. To say any more would spoil the story.





	1. ONE.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [egirlpiss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/egirlpiss/gifts).
  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/514496) by Tara Gilesbie. 

> yall can thank egirlpiss for subjecting you to this 
> 
> i just sent it through discord as a joke next thing i know its getting formatted and sent back to me

hi my name is dave elizabeth biggie tupac snoop strider and i have bleached blonde hair (thats how i got my name) with dark roots and a flamin hot undercut. i have fire truck red eyes like the spicy jelly beans in bean boozled and i allegedly have skin

a lot of people tell me i look like an albino ross lynch from that one shitty disney channel sitcom (A/N: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, GET THE FUCK OUT.)

im related to bro strider but i wish i wasnt cause he fucks puppets and it scares my friends. im also a master of ill beats and i never went to school because people in houston are nosy as fuck and somebody wouldve called dcf within five minutes of seeing me i guess

im a closet gay (in case you couldnt tell) and i wear track pants unironically. i love those hot topic knockoffs for poser teens and i buy all my clothes from there

for example today i was wearing a v neck free bobby shmurda raglan with a red trim and black leather track pants with slits in the side revealing thigh high converse. i was wearing my ben stiller shades chapstick and vaseline to smooth my eyebrows into a subtly sexy arch

i was in the elevator leavin to mcdicks because there was no food and bro doesnt feed me because hes too cool. anyway the ac was broken so the elevator was hot and smelled like a really stale fart which i was neutral about

my soundcloud fans stared at me which is funny because i am alone in the elevator and i have no soundcloud fans

but then the doors opened and i forgot

TEREZI: H3Y, COOLK1D! >:]

i looked up and oh my god it was troll two face

DAVE: sup troll two face

TEREZI: NOTH1NG

but then my phone went off and i walked away

(A/N: IS IT GOOD? TELL ME. (:B)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> featuring art by jett https://twitter.com/turntechgothic/status/1168443331665248256


	2. TWO.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave receives a proposal.

(A/N: THANKS TO ROSE, TENTACLETHERAPIST, FOR HELPING ME WITH THIS CHAPTER, AND TO YOU CHUTEFISTING BULGEBITERS WHO KEEP FLAMING MY STORY, GET A FUCKING HOBBY.)

the next day i woke up in my bedroom and it was hot as fuck again. i crawled out from under my bed and drank some aj from a bottle in the corner where all the spiders hang out

the underside of my bed smells like mildew because my bed is mattresses stacked on top of each other like jenga

i stood up and took off my giant ludacris t shirt which i use for pjs. instead i put on a bright red bolero jacket with a cog symbol on the back a sbahj necklace crocs and black skinny jeans and gave my reflection double pistols and a wink

my best bro karkat (A/N: IT'S ME, FINALLY) woke up then and put up his middle finger at me

his horns were barely visible behind the vortex of hair somehow clinging to his scalp along with other objects of questionable origin oh and he opened his eyes because theyve been closed for some reason this whole time

he put on his thresh prince onesie with a black sunhat and clear knee high heeled combat boots. i then put on my shades and karkat wiped the crust out of his eyes

KARKAT: I SAW YOU TALKING TO TEREZI YESTERDAY.

DAVE: yeah so

KARKAT: DO YOU LIKE HER?

we left my bedroom and went into the bathroom to chill with the puppets

DAVE: what no

KARKAT: YEAH, RIGHT, AND I'M A FLIGHT-CAPABLE SINGLE-HORNED HUMAN FANTASY CREATURE.

terezi walked into the bathroom and threes a crowd so karkat teleported out

TEREZI: H1

DAVE: how did you get in my house

TEREZI: GU3SS WH4T?

DAVE: isnt that illegal

TEREZI: W3LL, L1L N4S X 1S H4V1NG 4 CONC3RT 1N HOUSTON

DAVE: oh

DAVE: my

DAVE: fucking

DAVE: god

i love lil nas hes my favorite rapper besides my other favorite rappers

TEREZI: DO YOU W4NT TO GO W1TH M3?

i gasped

(A/N: STOP FUCKING FLAMING THE STORY YOU SHITSNIVELING WASTES OF ORGANIC LIFE! OTHERWISE THANKS TO THE (ADMITTEDLY FEW) DECENT PEOPLE FOR GOOD REVIEWS. THANKS AGAIN, ROSE. OH, AND I DON'T OWN DAVE.)


	3. THREE.

on the night of the concert i put on my black heelys with the glow in the dark laces and on top of them were my dolce and gabbana high waisted track pants this time without the side slit then i put on a black leather t shirt with a tuxedo print on the front

i bent all the way over and just fucking doused my hair in got2b so shit was frozen in the best way possible

i felt a little depressed for a bit so then i did the logical thing and ate some of the dust from the ac unit

terezi pulled up to the house while i was choking and giving myself the heimlich

i shaved my knuckles and slathered each individual eyebrow hair in petroleum and i didnt bother with makeup since my shades hide everything anyway then i went outside where terezi was waiting for me

she was wearing a yung god t shirt (he was the opening act) red parachute pants clown shoes and black gloves (A/N: PER HER REQUEST. YOU'RE WELCOME, TEREZI.)

DAVE: oh hey rezi

TEREZI: H1 D4V3

we walked into her flying skeet buggy (the license plate said 413) and flew to the venue. on the way we listened excitedly to old town road and the caillou based freestyle. she cracked open a bottle of faygo and we vaped together

when we got to the concert we went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to old town road

LIL NAS X: I got the horses in the back

LIL NAS X: Horse tack is attached

LIL NAS X: Hat is matte black

LIL NAS X: Got the boots that's black to match

(A/N: I DON'T OWN THE LYRICS TO THAT SONG.)

TEREZI: L1L N4S X SM3LLS PR3TTY GOOD

i totally didnt pout as we moshed to the music but terezi caught on anyway

TEREZI: 1T'S OK, NO HOMO >:]

DAVE: you mean it?

TEREZI: R34LLY! B3S1D3S 1 DON'T 3V3N KNOW H1M 4ND H3'S IN HOMO W1TH TH3 N1CK1 M1N4J HUM4N

the night went on well and we both had a great time

after the concert we drank tequila and asked lil nas x and yung god for their autographs and photos with them. we got old town road area 51 tees because terezis an alien haha get it im hilarious

terezi and i crawled back into the scooter bugger but she didnt go back to my apartment. instead she drove into

pause for effect

the furthest ring

(A/N: I TOLD YOU TUNNEL-VORERS TO STOP FLAMING! I AM FULLY WITHIN MY RIGHTS TO PORTRAY DAVE *AS IS REQUIRED FOR THE NARRATIVE* AND IF YOU THINK HIS HUMAN SEXUALITY HANGUPS WOULD GIVE ANYONE INTERACTING WITH HIM FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES A *MILLISECOND* OF REPRIEVE FROM THAT HOOFBEAST SHIT, *YOU* ARE THE ONE WRITING HIM OOC.)


	4. FOUR.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave gets lucky.

DAVE: yo tez uh not that i dont trust the blind chick behind the wheel but

DAVE: what the fuck are you doing

terezi didnt answer but she stopped the car and walked out of it into the void

i climbed up through the sunroof to watch whatever bullshit was about to go down

DAVE: it bears repeating

DAVE: what

DAVE: the fuck

TEREZI: D4V3

DAVE: thats my name dont wear it out

terezi leaned in extra close and i looked into her eyes which were kinda going two different directions i guess cause she isnt really using them

i suddenly understood everything

and then she licked a long wet slimy trail up the side of my neck over my cheek and into my hair

terezi climbed on top of me and we began making out passionately like a dog when you slip some bbq sauce on their favorite toy except the toy is my face and the sauce is my strider man charm that i never shut up about

she took off my leather tuxedo shirt and i took off her clothes. she even took off her clown shoes

then she put object a into slot b and she brought the al dente noodle to the spaghetti house

DAVE: oh

DAVE: oh wow

DAVE: thats something

i was beginning to bust a nut and a half

i was kinda slipping off the hood of the car what with all the slobber

and then

???: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

it was

pause for effect

KARKAT: PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! WHY ARE YOU SAYING "PAUSE FOR EFFECT"?!


	5. FIVE.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat rats out Dave to the light players.

(A/N: YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT HALF OF MY READERSHIP HAS BANDED TOGETHER TO SMOTHER MY OBVIOUSLY PARCHED GANDERBULBS WITH UNORIGINAL UNIMPRESSIVE ATTEMPTS TO FLAME. ROSE HAS ASSURED ME THE SCENE BETWEEN DAVE AND TEREZI IS, IN FACT, ACCURATE, AND ANY DISSENTERS ARE "LIKELY TRYING TO COPE WITH OVERWHELMING ENVY" AT MY *LITERARY FUCKING MASTERPIECE.* ADDITIONALLY, I REFUSE TO UPDATE UNTIL I GET FIVE GENUINE, POSITIVE REVIEWS.)

karkat made me and terezi follow him. he kept shouting at us angrily

KARKAT: YOU SHOULD BOTH BE CULLED FOR THAT LASCIVIOUS *ASSAULT* ON MY CHASTE OCULARS. IF I HAD ANY REAL POWER, I'D BE PARADING YOUR ENTRAILS AROUND THE VEIL FOR THAT EMESIS-INDUCING SPECTACLE.

i shrugged and terezi patted my back in an attempt to comfort me i guess but it felt like she was bruising me more than anything

we ended up back at my apartment where he took us to rose and vriska who both looked one stop away from pissed as hell

KARKAT: THEY WERE PAILING IN THE FURTHEST RING!

ROSE: Is that so?

vriska looked me up and down

VRISKA: Oh come ON, you can do 8etter, Redglare!

and then terezi slapped my back so hard i totally didnt almost trip

TEREZI: H3 T4ST3S... D3L1C1OUS >:[

it got way too quiet

rose and vriska still looked like i had a wicked ass beating incoming but rose shook her head

ROSE: Can't argue with that. You can go.

terezi and i bailed while the light players gave us the evil eye all the way upstairs

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU OK4Y?

DAVE: living the dream

i went to my room and brushed my teeth by the window instead of in the bathroom for some reason that i wont explain

my hair was still stuck standing up with got2b

i changed into a hella jeff onesie and drew a y shaped mouth over my real one with lipstick that i just found because reasons

i put on my platform crocs and when i came out terezi was standing in front of the bathroom and she started to sing my chick bad by ludacris in her weird nasally grating voice

i was pretty flattered even though this is still trespassing

we did that thing where you fist bump clench fingers and pull each other in for the one arm pat hug maneuver

it was totally sick

after that we said night and she reluctantly slithered out of the window and went home


	6. SIX.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave learns to look at the important people in his life from a new perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the warm reception! it feels good to know that this is my major contribution to society. rest assured, egirlpiss is not letting me pussy out we're in this bitch for ALL 44 CHAPTERS. buckle up and grab the oh shit bar cause youre in for a wild ride.

(A/N: THE NEXT PERSON TO FLAME THIS STORY IS GETTING THEIR BULGE RIPPED FROM THEIR MALFORMED, WITHERING HUSK AND SHOVED SO FAR UP THEIR DUSTY AND NEGLECTED NOOK THEY'LL BE COUGHING, SNEEZING, AND SPITTING UP THEIR OWN GENETIC MATERIAL FOR THE REMAINDER OF THEIR NATURAL LIFESPAN.)

the next day i woke up next to my mattress pile

i put on some black basketball shorts that were all ripped up at the hem and a matching crop top with red gears all over it and hyperreflective converse

i threw on my shades and left

in the living room i ate some lucky charms with water instead of milk and a fresh bottle of aj

someone bumped into me and all the aj spilled into my lap

DAVE: rude

the aj continued to seep into my shorts and the cold liquid got where most cold liquids do not ever belong but i could give this guy a free pass on soiling me cause when i looked up i was looking into the twisted up angry face of my best bro

there were leaves sticking out of his messed up hair and his eyebags had eyebags

without the crust in his eyes i could see his eyes were red just like terezi and me but without the matching sclera or the freak factor

his claws were freshly painted black and he had this interesting voice that was like a cross between a twitch streamer and a slightly pitched up michael scott

i was so gay for this dude that my body got hot just from seeing him and the jurys still out on whether or not i popped a boner

KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY? YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR MEAL SPILLED ON YOU, YOU INCONSIDERATE USED SAUNTERSOCKET!

DAVE: no worries im fine thanks for asking

KARKAT: ...

he looked at me with this weird look on his face

then he disappeared into my bedroom and i heard a lot of weird sounds like when looney tunes characters go off screen and fuck shit up in the worst way possible needless to say i was this close to breaking a sweat

he came back out again with a change of shorts and shoved them into my waiting bosom

DAVE: uh thanks

KARKAT: YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN RAISED IN AN ANIMALHIVE BUT I WASN'T.

i went to change

when i came back out we sat down to talk for a while

then terezi kicked down the front door and told me she had a surprise for me so i left with her


	7. SEVEN.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave discovers something that rocks the very foundation of his friendship-with-benefits slash occasionally-serious relationship.

(A/N: FUCK YOU. I'M ONLY WRITING THIS BECAUSE I *REFUSE* TO LEAVE A GOOD STORY UNFINISHED. FLAME AWAY AND BE BLOCKED BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN FIX YOUR FUCKING PRONGS TO HIT SEND. DAVE IS *NOT* AND *HAS NEVER BEEN* A "MARY SUE." IN FACT, HE IS PROBABLY THE LEAST "MARY SUE" IN THIS STORY! HE'S A HUMAN, FOR STARTERS, AND HE HAS PROBLEMS THAT I HAVE ALREADY PAINSTAKINGLY ILLUSTRATED, FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH FUNCTIONING SIGHT SPHERES, IN CHAPTER ONE. I MEAN, COME ON, HOW HAVE YOU *NOT* CAUGHT ON TO HIS REPULSIVE MUSIC TASTE?)

terezi and i held our sweaty hands with one set of claws and one set of chewed up stubs between us as we walked downstairs (A/N: SEE? DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A "MARY SUE" TO YOU? I THINK THE FUCK NOT.)

i waved to karkat

his face was scrunched up in warning of an oncoming shitfit so we started walking faster

i guess he was pissy cause im going out with terezi

anyway i went with terezi to her treehouse

we locked the trapdoor or whatever you call it then

she shoved her tongue so far down my throat i think it actually looped and went up my nose

naturally i choked

we took a break so i could collect the shreds of my dignity and also take off my clothes

she felt me up before i even had my top off

then i took off my shorts and she wriggled out of her sweats. we went on the bed and started making out with less tongue than before

before i knew it she had her crotch rocket in my nether regions and we were riding the bony express

DAVE: terezi hey terezi

i was pretty close to nutting but then i saw this tattoo on her arm that wasnt there before

it was like a slash with three drops of blood coming out of it and on it in chickenscratch writing was a name

a name that i knew

it was karkats name

im pretty sure i broke a few traffic laws with how fast i slammed the brakes on that operation

DAVE: arent you guys supposed to be like weird exes

i got out of the bed and started feeling around for my shorts

DAVE: emphasis on the whole exes thing

DAVE: i mean i dont blame you cause thats a nice piece of ass but you couldve warned me?

TEREZI: NO! D4V3, YOU DON'T UND3RST4ND! 1T'S NOT WH4T 1T LOOKS L1K3

DAVE: id love to stick around for an explanation but i just remembered

DAVE: i have somewhere to be

DAVE: peace

i put on the rest of my clothes and then climbed out of the window

she tried to run out after me but didnt get very far because she was naked and the forest has many things that chafe

i kept flying until i was back at the apartment where karkat was arguing with vriska

DAVE: karkat you bitch


	8. EIGHT.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave confronts Karkat about Terezi.

(A/N: APPARENTLY, I JUST HAVE TO HOLD THESE UPDATES HOSTAGE TO GET YOU UNDESERVING INGRATES TO BEHAVE! WHO KNEW?)

everyone in the room stared at me which is to say just vriska and karkat

terezi came into the room even though she was naked and started trying to explain herself

TEREZI: D4V3, 1TS NOT WH4T YOU TH1NK!

vriska raised an eyebrow at the display and then broke out into a fangtastically creepy grin like she was enjoying this soap opera that is my life

she flipped her long waist length rats nest of black greasy hair and winked at me with the eye that has that seven pupil thing going on

like karkat and terezi her face was totally grey but unlike them she wore blue lipstick that was kind of smudged but hey maybe thats her thing who am i to judge

vrisky was raised by a giant man eating spider and somehow shes still standing despite her massive hangups about that whole deal 

i guess thats supposed to be her excuse for obssessing over a dead troll thats kind of related to her

not that it matters now

VRISKA: Dave! What a surprise!

i ignored her cause fuck that noise

DAVE: karkat i cant believe you cheated on me with terezi

DAVE: does the bro code mean nothing to you

vriska gasped and karkat looked like the kid who got caught with his hand all kinds of up in the cookie jar

yeah thats right BUSTED you asshole

1 DON'T KNOW WHY D4V3 W4S SO M4D 4T M3

1 W3NT OUT W1TH K4RK4T FOR 4 WH1L3, BUT TH3N 1 DUMP3D H1M WH1L3 W3 W3R3 BL4CK C4US3 1 W4S... DOWN W1TH TH3 CLOWN >:[

BUT TH4T W4S 4 WH1L3 4GO! G4MZ33 GOT R3TCONN3D 4ND K4RK4T 4ND 1 4R3 JUST GOOD FR13NDS NOW!

H3 H4D GON3 THROUGH HORR1BL3 PROBL3MS, 4ND NOW H3 W4S 4N 3BOY

KARKAT: BUT I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH TEREZI ANYMORE!

DAVE: yeah see i dont believe you cause if she was just your ex she wouldnt have your name still tatted on her bod she wouldve covered it up with like dragon tales fanart or some shit like a reasonable person

i flew out of the apartment and to the furthest ring where terezi had deflowered me and stared up at the void

this shit sucks


	9. NINE.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ghost from Dave's past returns.

(A/N: I UNDERSTAND SOME OF THESE EVENTS MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY ALTERED FROM THEIR REAL-WORLD COUNTERPARTS AND THAT IT MAY NOT MAKE SENSE FOR DAVE TO BE JEALOUS OF ANOTHER QUADRANT, BUT CONSIDER: FUCK YOU. TAKE YOUR MEANINGLESS OPINIONS AND SHOVE THEM ALL THE WAY UP YOUR LOOSE, SAGGING CHAGRIN TUNNELS. I WRITE WHAT I FUCKING WANT.)

i was kinda ticked but also sad

i couldnt believe terezi cheated on me

i got this close to expressing emotion over the fact but then all of the sudden

all of the sudden

a horrible man with kamina shades and no other discernable facial features flashstepped towards me

he was wearing a polo but he had fingerless gloves so it was obvious he wasnt a normie

it was

bro

DAVE: oh HELL no

and this was really weird because he doesnt actually have a mouth so i guess he kind of projected it into my head telepathically

yer a wizard bro

BRO: bro. roof. now. bring karkat.

i thought about karkat and his sexy eyes and his terrible hair and how his face looks just like a younger michael ealy but grey and also with horns red eyes and a chubbier face jesus christ im gay

i remembered that terezi had said i didnt understand so i thought what if

and hear me out

what if

terezi and karkat only dated before i dated terezi and they really did break up

DAVE: bro chill

bro gave me caledfwlch

DAVE: this is so uncool man i thought we agreed youd just be mentioned and not like an actual thing thats part of this what gives

BRO: did i fucking stutter.

BRO: bring karkat. or i take terezi.

DAVE: how did you know about terezi

BRO: you narrate this shit and seriously think nobody listens?

BRO: whatever. you heard me.

and then he flashstepped away and i was left alone with caledfwlch

terezi showed up

DAVE: tz perfect timing

TEREZI: H3Y D4V3

her face was twisted up in that question mark shit she does that should by all known laws of physics be impossible

DAVE: so whats hip and happening

TEREZI: NOTH1NG >:[

DAVE: so uh i figured something out

DAVE: you and karkat are not actually dating right now so you technically didnt cheat on me

DAVE: actually i think i was more mad cause you beat me to the punch

TEREZI: OK4Y

so with that all out of the way we went back to the apartment with her sadly slurping the fuck out of my ear canal


	10. TEN.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cat is let out of the bag.

(A/N: FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE, FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE BUT LIKELY UNBELIEVABLY ASININE REASON, HAVING TROUBLE COMPREHENDING HOW FEW FUCKS I ACTUALLY GIVE ABOUT YOU FLAMING MY STORY, I INVITE YOU EVER SO KINDLY TO GARGLE MY BULGE AND GLOBES.)

bro had me on edge all day

i was even upset while working on my latest mixtape tha strider iii

i dont do collabs unless its like sampling my friends otherwise i am a one man production

people say i sound like a cross between metro boomin and dj mustard but with some electronic influences you know how it goes

i sometimes sample karkats yelling or even better that purr growl thing that he does like a cat swallowed a cicada but its still alive just chilling in his voicebox

today karkat and for that matter terezi were wet blankets and didnt answer my texts so i invited rose over to sample her instead

i knew terezi was probably chowing down on some crayolas to drown her sorrows in paraffin wax or whatever girls do when theyre sad

karkat was probably watching something romantic yet depressing like the notebook or seven pounds

i would know hes made me watch both of them

i put on a low cut tank top that showed off my assets and a pair of assless chaps made out of sbahj panels 

you might think im a slut and youd be absolutely right

rose was playing a cover of pop for you on her violin at my request and i almost emoted by the end of the song

ROSE: Dave? Is this about Terezi?

she was asking but not really cause seer powers

DAVE: who else would it be about

she did that thing where she raised one pale eyebrow at me like she just could not be bothered to believe me

then because the cat was already out of the bag

DAVE: bro showed up and that fucking chewed up gum under the loser table in the middle school cafeteria told me to kill karks

DAVE: well he didnt say that word for word but i mean why else would he want me to bring karkat to a strife one of us is killing him and knowing bro its gonna be me

DAVE: but i dont want to kill him cause hes hot and hes also my best bro even if hes terezis sloppy seconds

DAVE: and if i dont kill karkat then bro will fucking kill terezi

ah shit and here come the waterworks

i blinked really fast and thanked every deity in every religion that my shades werent even slightly see through

if that didnt work terezi kicking down the door with the ac filter to jump out at us covered in dust wouldve scared the emotions right off my face

TEREZI: WHY D1DN'T YOU T3LL M3???

TEREZI: HOW COULD YOU??? YOU STUP1D SQU1SHY P1NK W1GGL3R!!!

i started to fidget under her angry glare (sniffing?)

she started wiping at her eyes and then ran out through the front door like a normal person which told me she was really upset

rose shrugged and continued playing some scales on her violin but i could feel her watching me like she was a zoologist tracking the rare animal that is my carefully concealed psyche

about an hour later when i was this close to kicking her out karkat came in cause why the fuck not

his teeth were bared and his fists were clenched and i knew this time it wasnt cause he walked in on me having sex with his ex

KARKAT: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

he was real deal crying like not even quiet crying loud full blown gross weeping with snot and everything

KARKAT: TEREZI IS DEAD. I FOUND HER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS JUST NOW.

KARKAT: WHAT HAPPENED, DAVE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN HER?!

(A/N: I REFUSE TO UPDATE UNTIL MY MAGNUM FUCKING OPUS RECEIVES AT MINIMUM ONE PIECE OF "FAN-ART." I'VE GOT A PLOT FULL OF ACTION AND DESCRIPTIONS FULL OF DETAIL SO THERE WILL BE NO EXCUSES AND ABSOLUTELY NO UPDATES UNTIL THIS REASONABLE REQUIREMENT IS FULFILLED.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i guess this got a little more attention than i expected so time to plug! feel free to hmu with your questions comments and/or concerns @mitunabubble on twitter


	11. ELEVEN.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave recovers from his despair at Terezi's untimely demise.

(A/N: IT APPEARS THAT SOME OF YOU LACK THE HIGHER FUNCTIONS REQUIRED TO PROCESS THE ABSOLUTE AND UNQUESTIONABLE RESPLENDENCE OF THIS WORK THAT I HAVE SO GRACIOUSLY ELECTED TO SHARE WITH YOU UNGRATEFUL BULGEGUZZLING FEEDING TROUGHS OF BODILY WASTE DILUTED WITH RANCID GAPER WATER. DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE YOUR CHIRPS ON CHITTR. I DO, AND YOU SHOULD CONSIDER YOURSELF FUCKING BLESSED I DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT.)

(TO APPEND MY AUTHOR'S NOTE: THANKS TO CALLIOPE, FOR HELPING ME WITH DAVE'S CHARACTERIZATION.)

DAVE: NO!

i was shocked

i was horrified

i was pissed because i warned her about the stairs i told her

rose tried to comfort me but i shrugged her off and i ran to the bathroom

karkat shouted for me to stop too late because i had already slammed the door and locked it

i let myself cry only when i was sure i would be left alone

then i grabbed the toothpaste off of the sink and squeezed the entire tube into my eager maw

toothpaste got all over my face and neck

i ran out of toothpaste and brushed aside a puppet so i could grab the shampoo

i started slathering myself with it while crying and clinging to the puppet that looked like mr t but in a thong

id rather be cozying up with literally anything but i dont have a whole lot of options here

i turned on the shower and laid there fully dressed cause thats the kind of mood im in

then the tub started to overflow so i shut it off and looked like a dumbass trying to get out without slipping

my hair flopped sadly in my face

in the mirror i kind of looked like a drowned shih tzu so i did what any man would do. i took the razor from the sink and shaved my head

i took off my shades and cleaned the toothpaste off so i could see but then i realized i kinda felt like life lost meaning without terezi in it

i opened the door to the bathroom and let out the most dignified scream a strider is capable of

clown troll was just standing there

his vibes were way off and i could see one of lil cals feet sticking out of his pants

tavros was strapped to his back like a baby koala

senor juggalo smiled at me and opened his mouth to honk but i cut him off because fuck

and i repeat

fuck

that noise

DAVE: get out of my house

DAVE: trespassing was only sort of cute when terezi did it

DAVE: and i for one am not down with the clown

DAVE: like at all

karkat teleported in front of me

he still had that look like he just got done crying you know puffy eyes and a nose to rival rudolphs

but he stood his ground and threatened gamzee with a spray bottle that made the dude look like he was about to shit himself

here i was getting ready to strife and karkats bottle of mystery fluid got the juggalo and his troll backpack to clear my apartment in three seconds flat

DAVE: what just happened

DAVE: did you not watch it like nobody gets between the clown and the innocent little blond boy hes singled out today

KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT SEQUENCE OF CHRONIC BRAIN LEAKAGE DISGUISED AS WORDS IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN. 

DAVE: what did you even do

DAVE: dude took off like he was road runner and you were wile e coyote meep meep and all

karkat rolled his eyes at me and went behind me into the bathroom to dump out the spray bottle

DAVE: whats even in that thing

KARKAT: SOAP AND WATER.

rose wandered in looking like she wanted to do a wellness check but decided to hold back at the last minute

i guess since im still soaked and covered in toothpaste and shampoo and also bald i can kinda see why but it doesnt make it any less annoying

ROSE: Dave, it's been revealed that...

ROSE: Why does it smell like Faygo?

jade kicked in the living room window and said that we needed to have a group meeting right away

DAVE: maybe you forgot but we have a door

DAVE: two actually

DAVE: if you count the roof

KARKAT: SINCE WHEN DO YOU DECIDE GROUP MEETINGS? YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE LEADER! 

JADE: i may not be the leader but neither are you!!

ROSE: Is anyone else curious as to why we're having a group meeting or is it just me?

DAVE: definitely just you

DAVE: come on jade lets blow this popsicle stand

she grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the broken window

karkat followed us up to the window but stopped because he remembered he cant fly what a nerd

jade flew us out to lofaf

then i remembered the others didnt know we were having the meeting there so i went for my phone but she slapped my hand away

we landed by the forge and she sat us down next to it

it was so hot the water still clinging to me evaporated leaving a thin minty crust over me and my clothes

DAVE: so on principle i wont ask why were having a meeting

DAVE: but why am i not allowed to phone

DAVE: thats kind of a dick move jade

JADE: im sorry :( ill make it up to you promise! <3

DAVE: oh word

JADE: to answer your question

and then she told me something you never tell a guy when hes covered in crust both literally and emotionally and also not while youre sitting near an active volcano

like ever

its rule numero uno of the bro code

JADE: i love you, dave.


	12. TWELVE, PART ONE.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave (doesn't) deal with the aftermath of Jade's confession.

(A/N: IF YOU'RE CONFUSED ABOUT JADE'S ENTRY INTO THE LOVE QUADRANGLE CENTERED AROUND DAVE, YOU CLEARLY HAVE NEXT TO NO GRASP ON HIM. THE TWO HAVE A HISTORY OF ROMANTIC TENSION THAT I WOULD BE A FUCKING *FOOL* NOT TO CAPITALIZE ON.)

in a perfect world i wouldve said something smooth like et tu jade but instead i stood up quickly and accidentally

i swear

accidentally

grandpa harley please dont kill me

accidentally

knocked jade into the volcano

it took me a second to realize what happened and i think jade had trouble processing it too

she seemed to realize she was in the lava because she flew up out of it long enough to put her middle finger way too close to my face before the demands of the narrative sucked her into the forge like it was going out of style

i reached in my pocket for the pocket lint terezi gave me in case something happened to her

she always told me to save it and that i would know when it was time

to be honest i thought she was fucking with me but now that jades gargling magma i think theres no time like the present

???: NO!

at first i thought it was jade but then i remembered jades dying and or dead

wow thats a bad feeling better smother that before it gets started already had my one allotted emotion for the week

it was actually my main man my best bro my dude my guy my broski karkat

he started to yell

he ran out of steam pretty quick because he was huffing and puffing like he ran all the way here

DAVE: dude did you run all the way here

he held up a finger and continued breathing heavily

from someone hot as he those noises should be banned

jury has in fact reached a verdict i am now the winner of hit game show inappropriate time for sexual arousal

KARKAT: FUCK YOU *HUFF* FOR MAKING ME RUN *WHEEZE* NOT ONLY DOWN STAIRS, OH NO, BUT ALSO ALL THE WAY TO LOFAF BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO USE YOUR FUCKING PHONE!

DAVE: why didnt you ask rose to bring you

DAVE: she can fly too that didnt stop being a thing

KARKAT: ROSE IS BUSY.

DAVE: shes busy

KARKAT: YES, DAVE. SHE'S BUSY.

DAVE: whats she doing

KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD, SHUT UP! THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

DAVE: its kanaya isnt it

KARKAT:...

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: IT'S KANAYA.

i rolled my eyes of course rose would saddle karkat with finding me she wanted some time to cop a feel before the big group meeting which now that im thinking about it im not sure its still happening

KARKAT: ANYWAY, I'M REALLY HERE BECAUSE I FOUND A NOTE TAPED TO YOUR DOOR AFTER YOU LEFT. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN THERE, BUT YOU SHOULD READ IT.

he dug around in his sweatpants which thank god hes not human because i don't think i could handle seeing the outline of his little friend i would probably join jade in the volcano if that ever happened

he passed me a balled up piece of paper

when i opened it up i saw it had those cut and paste letters like serial killers do in the movies

when i read it though my heart dropped into my ass

bro. phone. now.

i reached into my sbahj ahegao hoodie pocket with shaking hands

i got out my iphone 3 and opened the messages app

i had a new text from bro

he sent it around the time i was having my breakdown in the bathroom

it was a video of lil cal sitting in a lawn chair next to a fireplace

i hit play with karkat over my shoulder watching

at first i thought bro was doing a stupid voice but then i didnt care who the voice was because it was telling me some bullshit was going down

well

more bullshit than usual

DAVE: well

DAVE: shit


	13. TWELVE, PART TWO.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Karkat confront the possibility of Terezi's survival.

in the video lil cal or bro reminded me that i was supposed to bring karkat to the roof to strife so i could save terezi which is something i guess slipped my mind mid breakdown over her being dead (A/N: I GIVE YOU PLOT, I GIVE YOU DRAMA, AND WHAT DO YOU FUCKERS GIVE ME? DOWNVOTES AND CHITTR RANTS.)

turns out she wasnt actually dead she was just unconscious and bro took this opportunity to snatch her up and take her back to his evil lair which is probably just the furthest ring again god this is so fucked 

anyway now he has her and i have karkat and nobody actually knew about it besides us so karkat made a memo

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board NO MORE SHENANIGANS, TEREZI IS ALIVE.

CCG: I FOUND DAVE, AND AS THE TITLE INDICATES, MY INITIAL ASSESSMENT OF TEREZI'S CORPSE MAY HAVE BEEN WRONG.

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CTG: may have been

CTG: bro literally said he has terezi you were definitely wrong

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CAG: Terezi is alive?!?!?!?!

CCG: HE COULD BE LYING! 

CTG: he could not be

CAG: Quit fucking around and figure it out!!!!!!!!

CCG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER WITH YOU, THAT WAS TEREZI'S JOB AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? SHE'S NOT HERE! SEE YOU NEVER, SERKET.

CCG banned CAG from responding to memo.

CCG: DIDN'T YOU SAY HE LIKES TO PLAY MIND GAMES?

CTG: well yeah

CCG: SO, OBVIOUSLY HE'S JUST TRYING TO FUCK WITH YOU AS USUAL.

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CTT: Perhaps if you clarified how you came to this conclusion

CCG: I WOULD IF DAVE PICK HIS GNARLED APPENDAGES UP FROM HIS PALMHUSK SCREEN, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO.

CTT: Dave, shut up.

CTG: well since you asked so nicely

CCG: DAVE STRIDER, IF YOU DON'T CEASE RESPONDING TO EVERYTHING WE SAY WITH PILES OF MEANINGLESS DRIVEL AS IT OOZES OUT OF YOUR DEFORMED CARCASS, I *WILL* GRAB YOU BY YOUR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOT AND THROW YOU INTO THIS VERY ACTIVE VOLCANO.

CTG: oh that reminds me

CTG: jade is dead

CTT: Care to elaborate?

CTG: we were talking and i panicked and gave her a too friendly bro shove into some lava 

CTT: ...

karkat grumbled something that sounded a lot like the shit icing on a shit cake or some other roundabout way to say of fucking course jade is dead

CTT: That's a new one.

CCG: CAN I CONTINUE? IS THAT SOMETHING I'M ALLOWED TO DO NOW? I ENJOYED JADE AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, WELL, MAYBE NOT THE NEXT GUY SINCE THAT'S DAVE, BUT ANYWAY, WE NEED TO ADDRESS THE TEREZI THING FIRST.

CTG: hey man not cool

CCG: WHAT DID I SAY?

CCG banned CTG from responding to memo.

and then karkat told rose about the video and got real detailed about finding terezis body which is exactly the point when i noped the fuck out of that conversation

he didnt pay me any mind for a while so i just stared at him and my thoughts drifted to how given the opportunity i would absolutely tap that haha just kidding

unless...?

KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU MUMBLING ABOUT NOW?

DAVE: nothing nothing

DAVE: did you figure it out or what did my girl go to the big courthouse in the sky or is she stuck with my bro and ole jigsaw

karkat shoved me but i faked like i was gonna fall and he panicked and grabbed me

it was kinda cute until he panicked and jumped away from me like i was leprous and also on fire

balance stopped being a thing that was happening and i reached out for him for real this time

i caught his sleeve which was a horrible idea because karkat is apparently a lava magnet and i almost didnt remember the whole flying thing until he got all toasty with jade

i flew to some grass next to the forge and he clung to me all terrified with his claws digging into my shoulders 

KARKAT: AS SOON AS I RESTART MY BLOODPUSHER, *REST ASSURED* I WILL "SHRED YOU A NEW ONE" AND YOU WILL BE SO DISSATISFIED WITH ITS FUNCTION THAT YOU WILL ATTEMPT A BAREPRONGED TRANSPLANT AND DIE OF SEPSIS BEFORE YOU CAN SAY "I'M SORRY, KARKAT!" 

KARKAT: IN FACT, YOU MAY GO TO YOUR GRAVE BEFORE I'M DONE "CHEWING YOU OUT" IN A WAY THAT IS THOROUGH *BEYOND THE COMPREHENSION OF YOUR MINISCULE HUMAN THINK PAN.*

yeah ok i shouldve seen that coming

DAVE: seriously is terezi toast or what

KARKAT: WE DON'T KNOW. LALONDE WANTS YOU TO TEXT YOUR "BRO" FOR "PROOF OF LIFE" AND IF HE WANTS YOUR COOPERATION, HE'LL DO IT.

thinking about what bro wanted put a major damper on my mood like my names patrick star and im not quite feeling the love this valentines day

i mean i guess im not

or i wont be questionably dead girlfriend and all 

hmm

yeah im not a fan of this (A/N: SEE? HE HAS A FULL SPECTRUM OF EMOTION. I'M SURE YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR UNDERDEVELOPED, SHRIVELED BLOODPUSHERS TO SYMPATHIZE WITH HIS PLIGHT AND STOP FLAMING HIM FOR HIS *INCREDIBLY REALISTIC* STRUGGLES.)

KARKAT: HEY.

he didnt look as mad which was good shitfit averted and all

DAVE: hey yourself

we looked at each other for a while. his eyes were so different from mine or terezis 

theyre so red but they dont feel freaky they just feel like... karkat

he eased the phone out of my hand and we were quiet which is wild because neither of us would know quiet if it flipped the fuck out and kicked us into a volcano 

i leaned forward and things got hells of intimate between us 

i wont lie i was pretty happy to pop a couple squats in karkats cucumber patch but all of a sudden he pushed me away 

im familiar with sexual frustration and it was all over his face 

his face that was also as red as grey skin gets

KARKAT: WE SHOULDN'T DO THIS! EVEN IF TEREZI'S DEAD, I'M NOT EXACTLY THRILLED THAT YOU'RE ITCHING TO GET IN MY PANTS BEFORE HER CORPSE IS COLD. I DON'T WANT TO HELP YOU CHEAT AND I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR REBOUND! 

DAVE: is that what you think

KARKAT: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? YOU'RE MAKING A PAINFULLY OBVIOUS PASS AT ME BEFORE WE EVEN HAVE CONFIRMATION YOUR CURRENT MATESPRIT IS ACTUALLY DEAD.

DAVE: thats not what this is 

DAVE: this is just two guys

DAVE: being dudes

DAVE: whats a bj between bros you know what i mean

KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE RIGHT NOW.

i decided id rather talk to bro than continue this trainwreck of a conversation so i felt around for my phone and texted him

im pretty sure i said something like is terezi dead

i thought about what karkat said and wondered if terezi could forgive me i mean im sure shes hella familiar with his karkatian wiles he totally tempted me into it

damn

(A/N: THANKS TO CALLIOPE, ONCE AGAIN. I'D REALLY PREFER IF SHE WOULD ACTUALLY WRITE DAVE'S LINES *FOR* ME INSTEAD OF MERE EDITING, BUT IF SHE WANTS TO ABANDON ME TO FLAGELLATE HELPLESSLY AND BUTCHER HIS CHARACTER BEFORE THE ONLINE MASSES LIKE THE SADIST I ALWAYS KNEW SHE HAD IN HER, FINE! NO ONE IS THAT NICE, ANYWAY. ROXY, IF YOU READ THIS, COULD YOU PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR ME?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to say thanks again for joining me in this Experience. i want to apologize to jade on karkats behalf, and also plug my chittr one more time @mitunabubble.


	14. > DAVE: CALL TEREZI UP AND TELL HER "HEY, WHAT'S GOOD?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Karkat are forced to initiate some action.

(A/N: AS GRATEFUL TO HER AS I AM, ROSE, YOU CANNOT JUST "BORROW" MY NOVELS AT YOUR LEISURE AND FUCK OFF INTO THE VOID WITHOUT RETURNING THEM. I KNOW PREIFA ZEERXA IS AN OVERWHELMINGLY TALENTED AUTHOR AND PRETTY EASY ON THE EYES. YOU PROBABLY CAN'T RESIST A COLLECTION OF HER WRITINGS AS EXTENSIVE AS MINE, BUT IT'S COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU *DON'T* UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES COME BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS LITERATURE. SERIOUSLY. AND FOR MY READERS, FUCK YOU, STOP FLAMING, ETCETERA, ETCETERA.)

karkat teleported us back to the apartment where i changed into a neon green suit jacket with no shirt underneath a sbahjified bowtie and bright red lace up pants jaden smith eat your heart out

i was on edge waiting for bros text waiting is the worst and he knows it

he didnt say much he just attached a video of terezi snoring with lil cal way too close

i felt sick this is so not gucci of him

karkat looked like he couldnt decide what was worse the kidnapping or the puppets or us almost boinking

someone kicked the door in and it fell off the hinges and floated up into the ceiling where it sort of just faded away? huh

VRISKA: Well?!

DAVE: shes alive

DAVE: lil too cozied up to some puppets for my liking but he sent a video

VRISKA: Who cares???????? Honestly, you're lucky I even thought to check in with you, two-timing piece of shit.

i was gonna ask how she knew what me and my favorite dude got up to in our free time when terezi was unconfirmed dead

then rose walked in behind her and i knew my ass was grass

KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT NOW?

DAVE: yeah bro has rezi were a little busy here

ROSE: 'm sure you were.

rose snort laughed and swayed on her feet a little bit

DAVE: youre kidding

while terezi was tangled up in bros ventriloquist house of horrors rose was knocking back shots un be fucking lievable

ROSE: Am I, Daev? Am I relaly?

DAVE: katkat do something

KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL, QUIT BUTCHERING MY NAME LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED YOU IMPOSSIBLE FUCKSTAIN. SECOND OF ALL, WHILE I DON'T MIND IT, LALONDE, WE HAVE NO TIME FOR YOUR USUALLY AMUSING HUMAN SOPORIFIC-INDUCED IDIOCY. WE HAVE TO SAVE TEREZI FROM STRIDER'S CERTIFIABLY DERANGED HUMAN LUSUS!

rose fucking chortled like karkat was an aging comedian doing his last netflix special to save the remaining tatters of his career and she had the sense of humor of an inebriated thirty something incel on the basement sofa at aunt judys house

ROSE: No! I don't giev a ship wat hapepns to Terzei!

karkat gasped and rose looked at me with her eyes doing the lighty thing

it was a little fuzzy around the edges but sure why not seer away

ROSE: Epsechally after how mush troubble she got into wit YOU, Dave.

she put her finger all in my face

like shit was practically up my nose and around the corner

i could smell a mixture of faygo and vodka on her breath and my nose wouldve shriveled up and fallen off without her finger to keep it stuck to my face

ROSE: I neber lieked her tat much, anyway.

then vriska rolled snake eyes and clocked her with the sord...

karkat was crying again

KARKAT: TEREZI...

DAVE: dude its gonna be ok bro has terezi but we have a vriska

that did absolutely jack shit to help

he kept crying and his nose started running and he was almost incoherent

vriska was pacing back and forth

she kept stepping over roses body

i wondered if someone was gonna move her then shrugged

vriska kept talking and i kept not listening until she stopped with her foot on roses cheek

hope rose likes socks and flip flops

VRISKA: W8! I have an idea!

DAVE: shoot

vriska pointed a glock at us

karkat stopped crying which was a miracle worthy of shitty clown religions

DAVE: ruh roh

VRISKA: D8ve, shut it!

DAVE: you cant make me

vriska took the safety off

like she just pulled it off with her bare hands and if i was capable of finding her attractive and she brushed her hair i might have been a little turned on

but none of thats the case so i did what any man would do in a life or death situation and i grabbed a good handful of karkats ass for the last time

KARKAT: WHAT THE-

DAVE: shh just let it happen

i closed my eyes and waited for the shot

i copped a feel i was ready to go bring it vriskers do your worst

but a long time went by with nothing

i wasnt even in pain and my hand was still firmly plastered to some choice rear end

i wiggled my fingers a little bit and

KARKAT: WOULD YOU LET GO ALREADY?

DAVE: nah

we did not in fact start sucking the freckles off each others faces like i planned

instead we heard a voice

a familiar voice

a voice that i knew

BRO: sup.

(A/N: I'M TAKING THIS TIME TO CONGRATULATE THREE OF MY READERS FOR HAVING [FUNCTIONING GANDERBULBS](https://twitter.com/trntechDickhead/status/1168002318308016129) AND ADHERING TO [MY SIMPLE REQUEST](https://t.co/fAtZV4aFKY?amp=1) FOR [FAN-WORKS](https://twitter.com/spacearbys/status/1168015880107642881). COME ACROSS THE EXHIBITION PLATFORM AND COLLECT YOUR SHINY PIECE OF METAL! YOU HAVE ACTIVE CENTERS OF COGNITION, WHICH SEEMS TO BE A RARITY ON THIS HELLSITE!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> featuring art by vulcan  
https://twitter.com/v_sh4rp/status/1168540055771602946


	15. > DAVE: WALK IN AND LOOK LIKE MONEY.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat has had enough.

(A/N: I WISH I COULD SAY I CAN'T *BELIEVE* THERE ARE *STILL* NOOKMUNCHES TAKING TIME OUT OF THEIR "VERY BUSY SCHEDULES," CONSISTING EXCLUSIVELY OF YANKING ON THEIR OWN BULGES AND SHOVING THEIR FISTS SO FAR UP THEIR OWN NOOKS THEY GET A GOOD TASTE OF THE TOXIC RUNOFF THEY CALL "GENETIC MATERIAL," TO MAKE FLAMING ATTEMPTS SO UNDERWHELMINGLY PITIFUL, I CANNOT EVEN BRING MYSELF TO MUSTER THE HATRED REQUIRED TO DRAG THEM, SCREECHING AND WRITHING, INTO THE SWIRLING VORTEX OF MY JUSTIFIED FURY AT THEIR CONTINUED INSOLENCE. WHATEVER. WHATEVER! ROXY, THANK YOU FOR TALKING TO CALLIOPE FOR ME. I WOULD'VE UPDATED SOONER, BUT WE WERE HAVING A "DISAGREEMENT" ABOUT THE NARRATIVE THAT HAS SINCE BEEN RESOLVED BECAUSE IT'S *MY* FUCKING FIC AND SHE CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO WRITE.)

(ADDITIONALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT YOU ALL TO[ AN *EXTREMELY* TRUE-TO-LIFE DEPICTION OF TEREZI AND DAVE](https://roxirogue.tumblr.com/post/187430680186/my-immortroll-fanarts-e-girl-terezi-and-chapter). I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN MOVED TO SHED A TEAR.)

i opened my eyes but didnt see bro

just in case i reluctantly detached my hand from karkats amazing posterior

we looked around the void but didnt find him

we did find the juggalo troll with a few more screws loose than he had when he broke into my apartment

terezi was there playing faygo pong with tavros

she didnt seem to sniff us in the room

DAVE: what did you do to her you dick

gamzee doesnt get to have dialogue because we wont be upgrading him to an actual story role while its my point of view

he said something that was littered with motherfucks and dark carnival references and whatever the fuck(A/N: I WOULD LIKE TO NOTE THAT WHILE I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF PORTRAYING HIM WITH A PAINFUL DEGREE OF ACCURACY, I *CHOSE* NOT TO BECAUSE I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT ANY MORE THAN I WANT TO WRITE IT. YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME.)

karkat couldve just slapped terezis hand but because hes that guy he flipped the table and decked tavros

KARKAT: I LIKE TO THINK THAT I HAVE A *PRETTY FUCKING HIGH* TOLERANCE FOR THE UTTER HOOFBEASTSHIT THAT YOU PEOPLE PUT ME THROUGH *DAILY.*

KARKAT: I'VE PUT UP WITH ROMANTIC TENSION WITH DAVE AFTER HE BITCHED AT ME FOR BRO CODE "VIOLATIONS" I DIDN'T COMMIT BECAUSE *NO ONE* IS CAPABLE OF TAKING THAT SHIT AS SERIOUSLY AS I DO.

DAVE: hey

KARKAT: I'VE PUT UP WITH RUNNING BETWEEN *PLANETS* SO MY GOOD FRIEND KANAYA COULD GET LAID AND THEN SOME!

DAVE: dude

KARKAT: I'VE PUT UP WITH BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT WHILE AFOREMENTIONED "BRO" DECIDED THAT WAS THE PERFECT TIME TO FEEL ME UP!

DAVE: it was life or death man its in the bro code

GAMZEE: are you done?

KARKAT: OH, I'M NOT DONE. I AM NOT ANYWHERE IN THE REMOTE VICINITY OF "DONE," IN FACT, I HAVE YET TO ENTER THE SAME PLANE OF EXISTENCE AS "DONE." WE MAY NEVER MEET, DONE AND I, DOOMED TO BE KEPT APART BY DIMENSIONAL BARRIERS NOT OF OUR OWN CREATION.

wack

KARKAT: ANYWAY THIS? A SHITTY MURDERCLOWN BRINGING MY EX AND TREASURED FRIEND INTO HIS TERRIBLE, FAKE RELIGION? THIS IS WHERE I *FUCKING* DRAW THE GODDAMN LINE.

gamzee said something that i did not allow my ears to absorb this time

karkat looked murderous and i felt a little hot under the collar

i pulled my suit jacket tight so he couldnt see that my nipples were hard

GAMZEE: HUMAN OVER THERE

GAMZEE: i just got my motherfuckin think on

karkat snorted while he was guiding terezi away from the table where tavros was

GAMZEE: AND I THINK

GAMZEE: we should get down to business

GAMZEE: YOU AND I

my first thought was that i have never regretted having ears as much as i did in that moment

my second thought was what

and my third thought was

DAVE: down to business

DAVE: what like

DAVE: sexy business

DAVE: im a lot of things but cool with the fool is not one of them

DAVE: i am cool with being alive and stuff though

DAVE: its a beautiful thing

DAVE: life

DAVE: not being dead

DAVE: maybe you could even call it

GAMZEE: no

DAVE: ...

GAMZEE: DONT YOU

GAMZEE: motherfucking

GAMZEE: DARE

DAVE: a miracle

gamzee started oozing blood from every orifice

he fell and i flashstepped out of the way

he landed on top of tavros and they both got impaled on a table leg suck on them apples

i looked around for karkat and found terezi holding him

she still had that glazed over juggalo look in her eyes like

i dont even know how to describe it

like... she was really rockin the ganj

her eyes are always red how would you even tell if she was

DAVE: hey tez quick question

DAVE: did bozo the clown smoke you out

she didnt get a chance to answer me

BRO: bro. what art thou doing.

then he started coming this way

i dont know that terezi was all there but i could definitely hear his high heels clickity clacking to take us to a world of pain population me tz and karkalicious

just when i was resigned to my fate of having my face rearranged with a dollar tree katana

a spaceship appeared above the three of us

well

not directly above us like above us and to the left

a beam descended down and a familiar figure floated down from the mysterious hovering vehicle

DAVE: oh hey jade


	16. > DAVE: RECONCILE.

jade punched me in the shoulder and because im such a cool guy i absolutely didnt wince

JADE: what do you mean oh hey jade??

DAVE: you make it sound stupid

JADE: your FACE is stupid!

KARKAT: SECONDED. (A/N: OWNED.)

the asshole didnt even open his eyes still snug as a bug with his head in terezis lap

DAVE: wow

JADE: you shouldve tried im sorry jade! or are you okay jade?

JADE: maybe then you wouldnt sound so stupid.

DAVE: is how are you alive allowed

DAVE: i mean im sorry i sort of killed you

DAVE: but you look pretty okay for a dead girl

DAVE: which is what im really stuck on now that i think about it

she frowned at me and it was way more adorable than it had any right to be

bros footsteps got louder and her dog ears twitched at the sound

i sent her brain waves that i hope said come on jade be mad at me later we have to make like a banana and split as of yesterday

JADE: this isnt over.

JADE: you grab karkat, ill grab terezi. meet back at the apartment okay?

DAVE: k

no need to tell me twice ive been waiting my whole life to sweep karkat off his feet like were in one of his wedding reality shows he likes to watch

hed probably think say yes to the dress but i know in my soul itd be bridezillas

i scooped him up bridal as fuck and that flight qualifies as the best fifteen minutes of my life

(A/N: JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, BECAUSE I'VE HAD TO LISTEN TO THIS ARGUMENT FROM THE REAL DAVE *SEVERAL TIMES* OVER THE YEARS, IT WOULD ONLY BE BRIDEZILLAS FOR THE FACT THAT THE ACTUAL HUMAN WEDDING SEGMENTS OF "SAY YES TO THE DRESS" ARE TOO SHORT TO PROPERLY CONVEY HIS INTENT. THE TONE, HOWEVER, IS MUCH MORE BEFITTING THAN BRIDEZILLAS, AND HE KNOWS THIS! HE JUST LIKES TO RILE ME UP BY BEING MORE OF A BULGEWILTING IMBECILE THAN USUAL.)

he tried to be discreet about it but when a bro is carrying you down the aisle that is the sky above houston there is no being discreet i could feel him pulling closer to me his bod almost flush against my bare chest

oh hey nipples

i thought to myself then if theres a god or something a neat favor would be to make sure karkat doesnt notice them no matter how friendly theyre being

we landed on the roof and just sort of clipped through it because karkats teleportation thing is a little broken right now

i guess

im not sure i wanna think about the alternatives

jade and terezi were already there and terezi seemed like she was finally coming around

TEREZI: H1 D4V3K4T 

TEREZI: 4R3 YOU F33L1NG GR34T? C4US3 1 F33L MOTH3RFUCK1N 4M4Z1NG

jade was having to hold her back from taking off her jorts so she could get up in my and possibly karkats guts

shes got a nice if barely existent rack and her troll bits are not too shabby either if you know what im saying wink wink nudge nudge but as nice as it is being irresistable i sometimes wish i was a little less so like first her then the k man and then jade and the juggalo

its hard being a coolkid

its hard and nobody understands and everybody wants to get down and dirty with you

KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE. WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE AN ADULT DISCUSSION ABOUT WHY TEREZI NEEDS TO KEEP HER JORTS ON.

JADE: more importantly dave still owes me an apology! 

jade let go and without anybody to restrain her terezi yeeted her clothes through my still broken living room window

DAVE: how about i dont make you pay for the window and we call it square

JADE: dave.

DAVE: ok fine you dont pay for the window and you get some one on one time with terezi 

JADE: dave!

DAVE: you drive a hard bargain harley


	17. > dave: stop popping that trussy for terezi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOU CAN'T DO THIS! IT'S *MY* STORY, WHAT THE FUCK?

(A/N: I HAVE YET TO ASCERTAIN THE IDENTITY OF THE CULPRIT BEHIND REAL DAVE FINDING, READING, AND WORST OF ALL, CONSTANTLY BADGERING ME ABOUT MY CREATION, BUT REST ASSURED WHEN I *DO* FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE, I WILL BE TEARING BOTH OF THEIR ARMS OFF FOLLOWED BY BOTH OF THEIR LEGS AND USING THEM AS CLUBS TO GRIND THE TORSO LEFT BEHIND INTO A FINE PASTE. I WILL THEN SLATHER THAT CHUNKY, FOUL-SMELLING FLESHY MASS OVER THE WINDOWS OF THE TALLEST BUILDING ON EARTH C AS A WARNING TO ANY AND ALL OTHERS WHO DECIDE "HEY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA, LET'S GIVE DAVE AMMUNITION TO USE AGAINST KARKAT!" LIKE THE PRIME EXAMPLE(S) OF THE FAILINGS OF ECTOBIOLOGICAL REPRODUCTION THEY HAVE PROVEN THEMSELVES TO BE.)

(AS I SPEAK, I HAVE DAVE HOVERING OVER MY SHOULDER. I'M BEGINNING TO THINK ROSE IS THE ONE THAT TOLD HIM, PROBABLY BEFORE SHE FUCKED OFF WITH STRIDER SENIOR INTO THE VOID WHERE SHE THINKS SHE CAN ESCAPE MY BOUNDLESS AND DIVINE WRATH. oh dude thats excellent NO! YOU DON'T GET TO BE PART OF THIS NOW. YOU MAY BE PRIVY TO THE BEHIND-THE-SCENES *MAGIC* THAT GOES INTO THIS BUT YOU STILL DON'T GET TO PARTICIPATE. youre writing about me i think i should have a say NO, FUCK YKSFJKFFHKLG"G""::H"K::;;;;kk;jh:"GH{GODL&lt;

(authors note karkittens gonna be pissed at me cause i flew away with his husktop but hell get over it anyway buckle up buttercup youre in for a ride)

DAVE APOLOGIZED BECAUSE YEARS OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, AND THE FACT THAT JADE IS LIKE INDISPUTABLY THE BEST, HAVE MADE IT POSSIBLE.

DAVE: im sorry jade i didnt mean to introduce my foot to your ass and your face to some lava i think i was possessed

JADE: i forgive you because thats what BFFs do! <3

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH BLAH.

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, TROLL BODY PARTS, BLAH BLAH, RUDE HAND GESTURES, BLAH BLAH *ASTERISK FOR EMPHASIS* BLAH BLAH! 

DAVE: youre absolutely right

AS OF NOW, THERE IS NO CONFLICT BECAUSE BRO IS TOTALLY RETCONNED. LIKE, JUNE SHOWED UP AND SLAM DUNKED HIM INTO THE HOOP OF IRRELEVANCE AND ALSO NONEXISTENCE. LATER, LOSER.

ANYWAY, BECAUSE DAVE IS SO *DEVELOPED*, HE GOES OVER TO TEREZI. 

TEREZI HAS A BEDSHEET OVER HER, OR ACTUALLY, I GUESS I CAN WRITE HER AS HAVING CLOTHES AGAIN? 

'CAUSE, AND I QUOTE, "I WRITE WHAT I FUCKING WANT."

NOW, THANKS TO AUTHORIAL INTERVENTION, TEREZI IS WEARING A SPAGHETTI STRAP TANK TOP WITH THE TOOTSIE ROLL LOGO ON IT, MC HAMMER PANTS WITH SUSPENDERS, A POWDERED WIG, AND VERY TINY GLASSES. OH, AND SHE'S ALSO BAREFOOT 'CAUSE REAL TEREZI DOES THAT SOMETIMES.

DAVE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND I IMMEDIATELY PANIC BECAUSE I'M A DUMBASS WHO WRITES WEIRD "LOVE QUADRANGLES" FOR PEOPLE I KNOW IN REAL LIFE. OR, I GUESS, RECREATES? I MEAN, I GUESS FROM MY PERSPECTIVE THIS ACTUALLY WAS A THING AT ONE POINT. 

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH, BLAH? 

DAVE: shh 

WHATEVER, ANYWAY, HE TOOK TEREZI'S HAND IN HIS OWN AND STARED DEEP INTO HER NOSTRILS. 

DAVE: rezi i gotta tell you

DAVE: this whole thing with us dating has been weird as fuck

DAVE: and im gonna break up with you cause my manhood only has eyes for karkles

MY WHOLE BODY RELAXED FROM MY CLENCHED FISTS TO MY FOREHEAD WRINKLES.

TEREZI: 1 DON'T UND3RST4ND

TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT WH4T W3 H4D W4S SP3C14L?

DAVE: listen i thought so too

DAVE: but then i did more thinking

DAVE: you know with my big head not my little one

DAVE: i like you and all but karkat

DAVE: man how do i even BEGIN to describe what karkat vantas does to me

DAVE: hes like

DAVE LOOKED AT ME IN MY TRUCCI SWEATS AND THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH QUIRKED UP IN THE COOLEST AND ALSO MOST GENUINE STRIDER-BRAND SMILE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY *ENTIRE* LIFE.

DAVE: hes the type of bro to take me to see live animals while youre still sliding up in my dms with the animal print amazon links you know like leopard print lingerie is nice but sometimes i just wanna go to the zoo

(authors note real karkat lets make it happen but like instead of live animals its dead ones and we also maybe make out a little? you know if you want)

TEREZI: TH3 ZOO?

DAVE: the zoo

TEREZI: OK4Y

SHE STILL DIDN'T LOOK CONVINCED. I DON'T BLAME HER BECAUSE I'M ALSO THE TYPE OF TROLL THAT LIVES WITH HUMANS AND DOESN'T BOTHER TO LOOK UP THE REFERENCES MY "HIVEMATES" ARE ALWAYS MAKING. IT'S ALL GOOD, THOUGH, BECAUSE DAVE IS A GOOD GUY WHO CAN CLARIFY FOR ME.

DAVE: karkats my alternian bitch with weird hair and coconut derriere like riding unreal air-

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH *FLUSTERED NOISES* BLAH BLAH!

TEREZI: SO, YOU'R3 R34LLY BR34K1NG UP W1TH M3?

DAVE: yes exactly

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH?!

TEREZI: 1 GU3SS TH4T'S GOOD

TEREZI: OUR TH1NG W4S PROB4BLY COMPH3T 1F TH4T W4SN'T JUST 4 HUM4N CONC3PT

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE GOREGLE BLAH!

DAVE: and now our bromance will be stronger cause youre licking me with less seduction and more ick the way god intended

DAVE MOTIONED LIKE HE WAS WIPING A TEAR AWAY FROM UNDER HIS SHADES. CLEARLY, THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST MOVING MOMENTS HE HAD EVER EXPERIENCED IN THE LAST 48-ISH HOURS. 

THEN, JADE COUGHED. SHE TUGGED AT HER "THOT CHOKER," Y'ALL KNOW THE ONE.

JADE: youre breaking up with terezi? :0

DAVE: youre still here?

DAVE: i mean totes

JADE LOOKED LIKE SHE JUST WON THE POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST LOTTO. I MEAN, HER OTHER OPTIONS ARE VRISKA AND DRUNK!ROSE, SO IF I WERE HER I'D BE KISSING THE GROUND THE AUTHOR WALKED ON FOR THIS MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN AND NOT REAL KARKAT'S COMPHET HELL. (authors note love ya babe)

JADE: terezi! i feel compelled to tell you something now that youre not dating dave.

TEREZI: WH4T 1S 1T?

JADE: terezi i...

JADE: oh wow this is hard

JADE: i... love you! a lot! more than my brain worm told me i loved dave. <3<3<3

THIS IS A TOTALLY SURPRISING AND NOT AT ALL FORESEEN REVELATION. I MEAN, IT'S INCREDIBLE. THINGS JUST GOT A MILLION TIMES BETTER.

(authors note: karkat went back in the house suffice to say im definitely sleeping on the couch but)

(worth it)


	18. > dave: get jiggy wit it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karkat witnesses the next step in evolution

(an yeah i know my chapter was great but ive been on the roof of our house for a while and im pretty sure karkats getting pissy enough that jades going to take this shit from me any moment now so lets wrap this up)

(shit karkatrina would probably want me to tell yall to quit flaming and whatnot so uh do that and leave him five star reviews this shit is his lifes work his mona lisa but its prose go easy on the guy)

TEREZI TORE AWAY FROM DAVE AND MOVED TO HUG JADE. SHE SLIMED A SWIRLING TRAIL OF VISCOUS SLOBBER OVER HER FACE AND SHOULDERS, THE WAY SHE USED TO FOR DAVE APPARENTLY BUT MORE ROMANTIC BECAUSE THEY'RE A MUCH BETTER FIT. 

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE:

THE DOOR THAT HAD SOMEHOW BEEN REPLACED FUCKING *QUIVERED* IN AN UNUSUALLY STRONG BREEZE. THEN IT JUST, FLEW OFF THE HINGES AND PULVERIZED THE TV. LIKE, THIS DOOR THANOS-SNAPPED THE *FUCK* OUT OF THAT VIEWING APPARATUS. IT'S NO LONGER WITH US, ADIOS CABLE.

ANYWAY, THERE WHERE THE DOOR USED TO BE WAS THE *ONLY* SEMI-COOL NERD IN ALL OF UNIVERSE C. A STRIDER *STAMPED AND APPROVED* BEST FUCKING FRIEND AND LOYAL ADHERENT TO THE BRO CODE, JUNE FUCKING EGBERT.

ALL THE JAWS IN THE ROOM DROPPED, BUT MAINLY TEREZI'S, 'CAUSE SHE IS EXTREMELY VULNERABLE TO THE FACT THAT JUNE IS, AS DAVE WOULD SAY, "DUMMY THICK." (an on god if karkat ever said that irl i think id actually laugh so hard i stop breathing and die a just death from introducing him to that i can see it now)

(he would totally say it like mr crocker but unironically you know all jake is as the cool kids would say thiccums) 

DAVE INCHED CLOSER TO ME, KNOWING I WOULD NOTICE BUT NOT CARING ABOUT IT BECAUSE MY POSTERIOR WAS AND WILL ALWAYS BE THE KIND THAT MAKE THE STRONGEST OF MEN FALL TO THEIR KNEES AND ALSO COMPLETELY FORGET HOW TO ACT. 

BUT JUNE? SHE WASN'T WORRIED ABOUT ME, OR DAVE, OR JADE. SHE WAS A WOMAN ON A MISSION.

JUNE: you!

SHE MARCHED RIGHT UP TO TEREZI, HER EYEBROWS ALL FURROWED BEHIND HER CLUNKY GEEK GLASSES. HER DETERMINED FROWN WAS, LIKE JADE'S, "BEYOND ADORBS." 

TEREZI: M3

JUNE: i dare you...

JUNE STUCK HER FINGER ALL IN TEREZI'S "GRILL." TEREZI TRIED TO BITE HER AND JUNE, BEING AN EXPERT IN SHENANIGANS, GRABBED HER NOSE AND PINCHED. 

TEREZI SQUAWKED, WHICH I SAY BECAUSE TEREZI'S VOICE IS TOO *LIKE THAT* TO SQUEAL OR SQUEAK. HER VOCALIZATIONS ARE WAY TOO PARTICULAR FOR THE AVERAGE HUMAN MIND TO PROPERLY WRAP THEIR THINK PANS AROUND.

JUNE: as i was saying, i dare you...

TEREZI CEASED FLAILING HELPLESSLY AT JUNE'S IRON GRIP ON HER (insert whatever weird troll word you use for nose) AND ACTUALLY STOPPED TO LISTEN.

JUNE: to be my girlfriend! :B 

TEREZI: ...

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH?

TEREZI: CH4LL3NG3 4CC3PT3D

HER VOICE WAS ALL HIGH PITCHED AND MORE NASALLY THAN USUAL, AND IF THIS MOMENT WEREN'T SO TENDER AND HEARTWARMING, I WOULD HAVE HAD MYSELF A GIGGLE OR TWO AT HER EXPENSE.

DAVE LEANED INTO ME AND RESTED HIS CHIN ON MY SHOULDER, WHICH IS SOFT, JUST LIKE THE REST OF ME. BY MIRACLE, HIS HANDS DIDN'T STRAY, NOT THAT I WOULD'VE MINDED BECAUSE THE SEXUAL TENSION IS NOT GOING TO BE ONE-SIDED. 

DAVE: gee terezi your mom lets you have two girlfriends

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH BLAH!

(an i know the light of my life is gonna pitch a shitfit regardless of what i say or do but im thinking i can delay it a little if i give him good material for the next chapter some conflict some drama maybe something spicy?) 

(who do we know thats an asshole and that we havent killed off already)

DAVE STARTED PUSHING AND SHOVING PAST THE NEW UNION TO THE HALLWAY WHICH IS MORE OR LESS DEEMED "SAFE" SINCE GAMZEE'S FORTUNATE DEPARTURE. NORMALLY I WOULD CONSIDER THIS RUDE AND IMMEDIATELY START BITCHING, BUT I HAVE MY MOMENTS.

I LOOKED BEHIND US AND SAW THE OTHER STRIDER, THE ONE THAT WAS [REDACTED]'S WEIRD CLONE, NOT HIM BUT NOT *NOT* HIM. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE OWEN WILSON IN ZOOLANDER WEARING DUMB POINTY SHADES, AND HAS THE EMOTIONAL RANGE OF TROLL TOM CRUISE DURING THAT TROLL LETTERMAN INTERVIEW THAT PROBABLY ALSO HAPPENED ON ALTERNIA.  (an look i dont claim to be an expert in universal parallels im going for karkat adjacent here)

HE HAD A NET IN HIS HANDS THAT I RECOGNIZED FROM THE CARTOON WITH THE TALKING SPONGE. HIS HAIR WAS COMPLETELY LIMP IN THE UGLIEST WAY POSSIBLE. 

HE WAS WEARING A BANDANA WRAPPED AROUND HIS FOREHEAD AND A TUBE TOP PULLED AS HIGH AS IT WOULD GO. IT MUST HAVE BEEN A FUGEES TOP AS SOME POINT, BUT HE HAD SCRIBBLED HIS OWN LYRICS ON TOP OF THE ORIGINAL GRAPHIC. THE LYRICS WERE TRASHY AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM THOUGHT SO.

JUNE: who let you in here?!

JADE: yeah!! were kind of in the middle of something...

HIS CAPRI CARGO PANTS WERE ALSO HIKED UP. HE HAD TUBE SOCKS ON AND THOSE SHOES WITH THE TOE FINGERS ON THEM. I STEPPED IN FRONT OF DAVE THE INSTANT I CAUGHT SIGHT OF THEM, LIKE DAVE NEEDS PROTECTION. HE LETS ME HAVE MY MOMENT BECAUSE HE FINDS IT INCREDIBLY ENDEARING.

TEREZI: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 LOS3R 1N H3R3!

OTHER STRIDER: I suck. I'm stupid and don't listen or ask for help. I have the social graces of someone who just mixed 40 milligrams of Klonopin with fifty Four Lokos and a 5-hour Energy.

KARKAT: BLAH ROASTING HIM WITHIN AN INCH OF HIS LIFE BLAH BLAH.

DAVE HAD TO TAKE A BREAK TO CATCH HIS BREATH AFTER HEARING MY "SICK BURNS." HE WAS ONLY DOWN FOR A FEW MINUTES, BUT THAT'S ALL THIS STRIDER NEEDED.

I have a name. 

I FELT A TICKLING IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD, LIKE SOMEONE UGLY WAS TRYING TO TALK TO ME, BUT WITH DAVE RIGHT THERE I KNEW IT HAD TO BE NOTHING.

Calling me any variation of ugly is intellectual dishonesty and you know it. 

Not to mention, we're related. If I have to be ugly, I'm taking you down with me.

AFTER THAT, IT ALL WENT DARK. 

(an see kat this transition is about to be smooth as HELL im always thinking about you)


	19. > DAVE: THROW A FIT BECAUSE THEY LEFT YOU.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is alone.

(A/N: I HAVE EXPERIENCED *MANY* HORRORS AND INJUSTICES AT THE HANDS OF PEOPLE I CONSIDERED TO BE MY "LOVED ONES," BUT NOTHING SO *VULGAR AND REPULSIVE* AS THE SO-CALLED "CONTRIBUTIONS" OF MY SELF-PROCLAIMED "CO-AUTHOR" DAVE MIDDLE-NAME STRIDER THAT HE PROJECTILE VOMITED, SANS MY FUCKING PERMISSION, INTO THE INTERNET FOR MY LOYAL, IF PANLESS, READERSHIP TO CONSUME AS PART OF *MY STORY.* THERE WERE RIOTS IN THE STREETS, TROLLS AND HUMANS AND CARAPACIANS *EVERYWHERE* GOUGING OUT THEIR OWN GANDERBULBS BARE-CLAWED AND ASPHYXIATING ON THEIR CARCASS' FINAL ATTEMPTS TO EXPEL ITS REMAINING CONTENTS FROM EVERY AVAILABLE ORIFICE. THESE INNOCENT CITIZENS OF EARTH C, AFTER DISPATCHING THEIR ABSOLUTE DISGUST THROUGH WHATEVER OPENINGS THEY COULD, ARE STILL *TO THIS DAY* CRAWLING THE STREETS OUTSIDE MY HIVE AS MERE SHELLS WITHOUT A WILL TO CARRY ON, BEGGING FOR RELEASE FROM THE DESPAIRING EXISTENCE THEIR ALLEGED "GOD" HAS FORCED THEM INTO, SO CALLOUSLY AND WITHOUT CONCERN FOR THEIR NEEDS OR DESIRES.)

(IN A PERFECT WORLD, I WOULD HAVE REGAINED CONTROL OF THIS NARRATIVE BECAUSE THIS GLOBECHAFING *MORON* LAUGHED SO HARD AT HIS OWN PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR, HE DROPPED OUT OF THE SKY LIKE AN UGLY RED BOULDER AND CRASHED INTO THE ROOF OF OUR HIVE. CONCUSSED AND IN PAIN, HE WOULD'VE FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT MY CREATION AND I COULD'VE CONTINUED THIS STORY IN PEACE.)

(UNFORTUNATELY, THE WORLD I LIVE IN IS *NOT* SO IDEAL. DO YOU KNOW HE HAD THE *NERVE,* THE GODDAMN *AUDACITY* TO TRY AND WIN ME OVER WITH HIS "strider-brand irresistible charm" AFTER DRAGGING HIMSELF IN THE HOUSE WITH HIS HUMAN VESTIGIAL ASS-APPENDAGE TUCKED FIRMLY BETWEEN HIS STRUT PODS. HE THOUGHT HE'D GIVE ME BACK MY HUSKTOP, I'D BE REASONABLY UPSET BUT FORGIVE HIM, AND SLOPPY MAKEOUTS WOULD ENSUE!)

(WHAT HE DOESN'T YET UNDERSTAND IS THAT WHILE I KNOW HE EXPECTS ME TO BE *BESIDE MYSELF* WITH FURY, I'M NOT FULLY INCLINED TO DO SO. OH SURE, I *COULD* FULFILL HIS EXPECTATIONS AND WORK MYSELF INTO PUTTING THAT DETESTABLE CRUDGUZZLING BULGETWISTER ON FULL FUCKING BLAST IN FRONT OF MY REMAINING READERS. I *COULD* SHOW HIM THAT MY SO-CALLED TANTRUMS ARE NOT, IN FACT, A THING OF THE PAST. TO HELL WITH "CALMLY ADDRESSING THE BEHAVIOR" AND "WORKING THROUGH OUR EMOTIONS AS A TEAM;" I COULD YELL SHIT THAT WOULD KNOCK THE SAUNTERSOCKETS OFF OF MYSELF BACK WHEN HE FIRST MET ME, BUT IT'S NOT *NEARLY* AS SATISFYING IF HE SEES IT COMING!)

(AND YOU KNOW, NORMALLY, *I DON'T CARE!* IT'S JUST ME BLOWING OFF STEAM, BUT WE ARE SO FAR PAST THAT, NOW THAT HE HAS *SUCCESSFULLY* DRAWN ALL OF THE IRE I POSSESS IN ALL OF MY AVAILABLE ANATOMY. WE HAVE BLOWN BY "SIMPLY INCENSED" AND CRASHED THROUGH THE BRICK WALLS OF "SEETHING WITH RAGE." I AM SHAKING, FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, AND ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT *READY* TO BE CHAINED IN A CORRECTIONHIVE SO I DON'T SHRED HIM INTO A PILE OF "JAY-PEG" ARTIFACTS AND HUMAN VISCERA.)

(THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE HAS GOTTEN AWAY FROM ME. WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY IS, FUCK DAVE, FUCK THOSE OF YOU THAT ENCOURAGED HIM, AND THANK YOU TO THE FEW OF YOU THAT KNOW QUALITY LITERATURE WHEN YOU SEE IT. JAKE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR "HELP" WITH STRIDER TWO'S CHARACTERIZATION. I'M ON MY OWN WITH DAVE NOW, BUT OUT OF THOSE OF US LEFT ON EARTH C, I THINK I CAN *CONFIDENTLY* SAY I'M THE ONE THAT HAS SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH HIM.)

(UNFORTUNATELY.)

when i was done losing my shit at karkats verbal obliteration of my bro i went back out into the hall (A/N: DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW FUNNY REPLACING ALL MY DIALOGUE WITH "BLAH BLAH BLAH" WAS. HA HA FUCKING HA, DAVE.) 

Usually it's Rose that casts her eye on these realities, you know, being a Seer.

karkat wasnt there and neither was dirk

They're typically slight variations of the main narrative, the one we know. They make sense. No matter how different that reality is, there are rules and there's consistency.

it was weird but i wasnt worried they probably just went out for some good ol mickey ds or something

It's the really out-there ones that she likes to observe.

probably.

Realities where we never played the game. Realities where we did, but the details of each session were nothing remotely resembling "canon." Realities where a talking orb-headed mailman impersonator retconned the game by being too friendly.

...

Those realities, however out there, still make sense. They have rules, however few. They have consistency, however little.

fuck fine maybe i AM worried

This one? I just don't get it.

maybe im standing in my living room looking like donald glover hey guys i brought pizza

I can't even tell if it started as a standard offshoot.

the living room was completely empty and it looked like shit had gotten real

i didnt want to suspect dirk but hes known far and wide for his callous disregard of the ten brommandments

Alright, Karkat.

i took a look around

all the windows were broken

the couch was flipped over

there was a terezi shaped hole in the wall

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he's the one behind this. The weakest fucking link in our group, if only because Jake actually is god tier.

knowing that some shit was about to go down or already went down i went back into my room

I bet he doesn't even know he's doing it.

since i missed all the action i needed to be ready for anything

i immediately ran to my clothes pile and started pulling things out of there while also pulling my clothes off (A/N: I WOULD'VE MADE HIM SHOWER, BUT WE'RE ON A SCHEDULE.)

i found my louis vitton tripp pants and shimmied into those. i put on long sleeve v-neck metallic shirt with a furry trucci vest

i found my rainbow colored roller skates at the bottom of the pile and there was a foam puppet ass sticking out of each one

i put a backwards snapback over my bald head that said troll pussy best pussy on it (A/N: SINCE DAVE FELT FREE TO TALK ABOUT ME IN HIS AUTHOR'S NOTES, I'M SURE HE WON'T MIND MY TELLING YOU THAT HE ACTUALLY *DOES* OWN AN ITEM LIKE THIS.)

i didnt touch my ben stiller shades cause you dont mess with perfection and then i went up to the roof

Pfft. Whatever.

When this shit inevitably goes pear-shaped, I'll be here.


	20. > DAVE: GET YOUR BACK OFF THE WALL, BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave opens his eyes.

(A/N: I'VE GOTTEN A FEW STRANGE REVIEWS FROM ASSHOLES WHO SEEM TO HAVE THE IMPRESSION THAT THIS STORY HAS MORE THAN ONE AUTHOR, AND MORE THAN ONE SORRY BULGESLURPER TRYING TO RIDE MY COATTAILS TO FAME. REST ASSURED, THERE IS NO ONE BUT DAVE AND NOT EVEN HE HAS DARED TO APPROACH MY HUSKTOP SINCE I SIMULTANEOUSLY FORGAVE HIM AND REITERATED THE INTENSITY OF MY OUTRAGE.)

(MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT IN MY EXASPERATION WITH DAVE, I MAY HAVE SACRIFICED THE USUAL TONE OF MY WRITING. IT'S BEING FIXED, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND DO *NOT* FLAME ME.)

i say i went up to the roof but that makes it sound like i had an easy time of it

turns out roller skates are more cool than practical and i had a fun time trying to get up the stairs before i remembered i could just hover on up the future is now baby

there werent any more clues about what happened on the roof so either they took it downstairs

doubtful

or they flew

yeah

they definitely flew

that was something dirk could technically do even though he still walked places cause he likes being the worlds largest soggiest wet blanket in the history of forever to rival even team adorabloodthirsty turning me down for a jam sesh

You're not doing a bad job of imitating Dave. I mean, I could do better, but that's a given.

i could always try to guess where they all went and what the hell happened but who actually has time for that shit

i dug around in my pants for my phone and started texting

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: june

TG: juju

TG: the fuck happened

i stopped with my thumb floating over the send button

TG: is karkat with you?

i gave june ten minutes and when she didnt answer i said fuck it and flew off in a random direction

it was hot as balls so i KNOW they arent outside

at 104 degrees ill be impressed if yankee june hasnt already evaporated

actually maybe thats for the best the windy thing qualifies as outdoor AC

if it doesnt then what even is the fucking point

What indeed.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

terezi and karkat are probably fine alternia was tucked right under satans ballsack the way they tell it

there was a real chance they could be just hanging outside sweating like an army wife when her husband comes back from tour unannounced and his best friend is in the middle of giving her a pelvic exam on the house

i got closer to the ground just in case

terezis new digs were pretty eye catching so i figure if she and karkat stick together i should have no trouble finding them

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: where are you

TG: itd be kinda nice to know that my favorite dude is still kicking

TG: karkat

TG: karkizzle

TG: mario kark

TG: kaaarkaaat

TG: alive troll bro say what

CG: WHAT?

TG: i cant believe that worked

CG: I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING. I'LL TROLL YOU IN A MINUTE.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

I'm pretty certain he has no idea what's really going on here. Sorry Dave, but your boyfriend's never been the sharpest tool in the shed. If Kanaya's a machete, he's like, little Timmy's slightly-deflated soccer ball.

looks like i can cross get snubbed by my potential love interest and local phat ass off of my bucket list

not even a thanks for breaking the coolkid tenets to express semi genuine concern for my wellbeing

shit id take a stop fucking calling me asinine nicknames im not responding

and then id get to say but bro you just did

and then id get blocked

Anyway, he doesn't know what this is, but his decisions--with that fact in mind--are... interesting, to say the least.

wed laugh about it

well

id laugh about it cause hed unblock me immediately after realizing blocking me means he cant throw a tantrum where im forced to see it

He's eliminated those that have the potential and motivation to steer the narrative awry. Excluding myself, but I'm not worried about that. I'm obviously the villain, and he at least understands every good story needs a villain.

i stopped flying to one-pixel frown at my phone hoping somehow it would absorb the not cool man waves and transmit them over to him cause like

not cool man

It's typically space players that have the undesirable tendency to influence the narrative towards their desires regardless of if they've attained Ultimate Self status. As I explained to Rose, some "classpect" designations have a natural inclination towards these things.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GC: LOOK DOWN

i did as she said and saw a whole lotta nothing

GC: OTH3R DOWN

TG: wtf is other down

GC: D4V3

GC: OTH3R

GC: DOWN

TG: repeating it is not gonna make it make sense

My explanation was with respect to our classpects: Seer of Light, and Prince of Heart. I left out one classpect in our group that presented a major obstacle before I was able to "cancel" her ability to influence the events of our reality, of the alpha reality.

GC: TH3 DOWN TH4T 1S NOT DOWN, BUT 4LSO NOT NOT DOWN! 

(A/N: TO THIS DAY, TEREZI MAINTAINS THAT "OTHER DOWN" IS A DIRECTION. I *KNOW* SHE'S FUCKING WITH US, BUT SHE REFUSES TO LET UP ON THIS ONE.)

TG: what

Witch of Space.

TEREZI: D4V3

TEREZI: US3 YOUR 3Y3S

my head shot up so fast i felt neck pop and lock right out of alignment with the rest of my spine

i winced but shook it off no pain no gain

As far as I know, all Space players possess this ability to some extent. Karkat either knows this (doubtful) or can sense it (possible), and he's given all known Space players small or nonexistent roles in this narrative in a subconscious attempt to neutralize them. If it wasn't obviously a happy accident, I may be impressed.

JUNE: dave!

i had no idea what the fuck was going on anymore

lucky for me i got an explanation when i looked up just in time for june to drop terezi on my face

she clawed me up pretty good trying not to fall and die

coincidentally thats what i was trying to do too since i was now trying to fly with double the weight

JUNE: yikes...

at one point she ended up tangled in my cape that im now wearing which started choking me out

normally that could be hot but shes not karkat and also i actually like breathing

while i was trying to keep my head attached to my neck attached to my body turning pretty much every color of the fucking rainbow terezis tongue snaked up and under my shirt

it did a loop de loop and pulled the shirt vest combo i just remembered im wearing up and off and i watched them fall down into h town

DAVE: that vest was trucci you MONSTER

God, I cannot believe you made him say that. This Dave probably can't believe he said that and now the narrative risks collapsing. You should leave narrative control to the professionals, Vantas.

DAVE: ...

DAVE: lets forget i ever said that

JUNE: not a chance! :B

i think the only up side to floating shirtless in tripp pants and roller skates is that it wasnt so hot anymore

the main thing sweating wasnt anyones problem except karkats if we got up to anything saucy and mine if i chafed

Horrible. You're horrible, you know that?

JUNE: aren't you going to ask where i was?

This reality is bad, and you should feel bad for putting it front and center in my mind's eye.

DAVE: nah

DAVE: if theres anything ive learned in the last 24 hours 14 minutes and 39 and a half seconds

DAVE: its that i DONT want to question what happens off screen

DAVE: i barely want to question what happens on screen

june looked at me like she was trying to see if id been snorting coke behind her back which while understandable would go unappreciated

I'm wondering the same thing, June.

JUNE: you kind of make it sound like we're in a movie.

JUNE: i guess it could look that way with our powers and stuff, but you should be used to that by now!

DAVE: yeah you would think

JUNE: i'm not saying anything, but i think superpowers are the lamest thing to get all existential over.

terezi shifted against my back that kept cracking like popcorn in the microwave not at first but after a bit thats all you can hear

DAVE: glass houses june

DAVE: anyway i was thinking movie but less last action hero and more truman show

Holy shit. Pay close attention, Dave's-personal-piece-of-ass, you're about to witness the birth of self-awareness.

DAVE: dont you feel like that

DAVE: like this is all a piece of kinda shit quality entertainment for someone else

she raised a eyebrow. she totally didnt believe me which... understandable

she was at the terrible intersection between naive as shit and the BIGGEST fucking skeptic EVER but we love her for it (A/N: THOUGH HE DESERVES IT, I WON'T BE WRITING ANY CONFLICTS BETWEEN HIM AND HIS BEST FRIEND. IT WOULDN'T DO HIM ANY GOOD, AND BY DIVINE INTERVENTION, I DON'T HATE HIM ENOUGH TO SHIT ALL OVER HIS MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS. WELL, EXCLUDING JADE, BUT I GET A FREE PASS ON THAT BECAUSE I SAID SO.)

It's funny that he thinks he's still the one writing this dumpster fire. No, dude, this is 100% fake Dave.

i flew down to a nearby rooftop and did my best to shake terezi off

Speaking of, Earth C's will-they-won't-they show is getting real old. I might almost be bothered to give you a hand there, if Dave wasn't such a pussy about letting me have narrative influence over this small thing. You could close out of Goregle Docs, get down to business, and wouldn't that be the sweetest thing?

june followed

got herself all comfortable hovering with her legs crossed

I could do it anyway, is what he doesn't understand. He can resist all he wants, but you just need a little push here, a little nudge there, and it's makeout city. I just respect him enough to butt out of it. For now.

DAVE: maybe even multiple someones? ive changed how many times in the last 24 hours and im starting to feel i was giving an nonconsensually televised strip tease 5 times a day FOR FREE

DAVE: shit whats to say that im the one even behind the wheel for all i know theyre taking votes on what i take off next majority vote says the bra has to go

DAVE: actually imagine truman show meets the matrix fuck action hero that was a shitty movie anyway

Well, I suppose you could actually refer to him as a "real" Dave now. He may not be canon Dave, but he is as true a Dave as the one you're itching to bone the shit out of back home.

JUNE: ...

JUNE: that sounds like a religion problem, to be honest.

It makes sense that Time and Space would be the aspects of players that possess this level of... let's call it "narrative intuition." They are the basis of reality itself, threads intertwined in the narrative of all potential existence. Dave is just as dangerous as Jade, but thankfully, I can work with him.

DAVE: i guess? but im not wondering about the meaning of life or why apple juice and piss have to look so alike that yellow juice triggers my fight or flight reflexes

JUNE: i was kidding about the piss thing, you know! i doubt your bro cares enough to piss in every bottle of apple juice you ever drink. and didn't he stop being a thing a while ago?

He could be, but he doesn't actually care that much about someone else puppeteer-ing his life story.

DAVE: see thats exactly what im talking about

He only cares if he has to see the strings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience! i didn't change my usual method of spitting it out, however, i did pause, get distracted, and whatnot while writing this chapter. it was a very fussy one. turns out getting meta has consequences!
> 
> also, i've made a ko-fi! if you like my immortroll and want the chapters to keep on coming, please consider supporting me! <3 https://ko-fi.com/theawesomerazz#


	21. > dave: be karkat 20 minutes in the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Immortroll changes hands, and approaches the second pillar of canonicity.

(A/N: I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CHUMPS MEAN WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT ANY OTHER ASSHOLE BEING IN CONTROL OF WHAT DOES AND DOESN'T GO IN THIS STORY. THERE IS ONLY ME, VERSIONS PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE, SITTING HUNCHED OVER MY HUSKTO

(EDIT: I WAS ABOUT TO GET GOING, BUT WE VISITED A FRIEND AT THE HOSPITAL TODAY AND GOT A STEAMING PILE OF THE MOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE HOOFBEAST SHIT SLAPPED ON OUR COLLECTIVE NUTRITION PLATEAU, WHILE ALSO BEING TOLD TO, IN SIMPLE TERMS, GO FUCK OURSELVES.)

(ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER AND NOW WE'RE BARRELING THROUGH SPACE WITH ONLY A VAGUE DIRECTION PROVIDED BY DAYWALKER JADE AND HER TRANSLATOR, DAVE. I'M TIRED, HONESTLY, AND NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO READ THESE CHAPTERS NOW THAT WE'VE LEFT EARTH C AND ITS PRECIOUS WI-FI BEHIND.)

(an crabkat just dumped his husktop on me and left without even saying hi)

(this was open and i guess hes done with it which shit if thats not the saddest thing that ever did get said)

(i know this made him happy)

(ugh)

(dirk if youre still reading this shit fuck you)

(i could handle it when you were just blowing me off like a regular asshole but then i had to find out you kidnapped my sister *and* have been fucking with all of us in some way that jade didnt really explain and that im not sure id want to believe.)

(i *wanted* to believe that you werent your quote unquote splinters but then here you go taking a magnificent swan dive right off the deep end like bro happily ever after was RIGHT there did you seriously see that shit and go nope not today im good being toyed with and miserable and all my friends should be too)

(i thought that... whatever. im here to make sure kitkat doesnt give up on this not to talk to the voice in my head)

DAVE WAS ONLY GONE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT THAT WAS ALL THE INFERIOR STRIDER NEEDED.

HE RAISED THE SPONGEBOY NET ALL OMINOUS AND FULL OF MALICIOUS INTENT, BUT JUNE, THE HERO, DECKED HIM AND SENT HIM CLIPPING THROUGH THE WALL INTO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE APARTMENT.

LIKE THE TOTAL BADASS SHE IS, TEREZI KOOL-AID MAN BURST THROUGH THE WALL AFTER HIM WITH HER CANE SWORD OUT AND READY. 

I WAS ABOUT TO RUN AFTER THEM WITH MY SICKLES THAT I HAD HIDDEN STRATEGICALLY UNDER MY TRUCCI SWEATS.

FUCK, I CAN'T WEAR SWEATS INTO BATTLE! WHO WILL TAKE ME SERIOUSLY IF I LOOK LIKE THE MOM IN MEAN GIRLS AFTER BEING TOLD THE MANAGER ISN'T AVAILABLE TO TALK RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND? I HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD.

I TELEPORTED INTO DAVE'S RESPITEBLOCK AND FOUND THE PILE THAT KEEPS ON GIVING. I FOUND A WHITE CROPPED HOODIE WITHOUT ANY SLEEVES THAT HAD AN IMPRESSIVE GRAPHIC OF "TWEETY BIRD" WITH A BASEBALL BAT, BANDANNA, SAGGING TRACK PANTS, AND SNEAKERS THAT WERE ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT THRESH TO FUCKING *DEATH.* 

THIS FEATHERFIEND IS NOT AFRAID OF THE LAW AND OBEYS ONLY HIS OWN SET OF RULES. I RESPECT THIS FEATHERFIEND.

It's okay, Dave. You can say it's Gangster!Tweety, this is a safe space.

I YANKED OFF MY TOP AND PULLED THE HOODIE OVER MY HEAD AND HORNS AS FAST AS I COULD.

Ah, who am I kidding? This is probably the most danger you've put yourself in since we arrived in Universe C.

I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING ELSE INTERESTING, AT FIRST. I WALKED AWAY FROM THE PILE AND DUG AROUND IN THE ABYSS UNDER DAVE'S TURNTABLES, WHICH IS NOW A SPACE FOR CLOTHES INSTEAD OF RECORDS. I FOUND A PAIR OF TIGHTS WITH THE HUMAN "WEED LEAF" ALL OVER IT AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "YES. THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT THE 'COOL KIDS' WEAR." IT WAS BEGINNER-LEVEL IRONY, BUT MY EFFORTS WOULD NOT GO UNNOTICED.

FOLDED UP UNDER THOSE, I FOUND SOMETHING THAT WAS SO *EXCELLENT* AND HIGH UP ON THE IRONY SCALE--

That's not a thing. You can't quantify--you know what? Nevermind. I'm losing brain cells just thinking about arguing with you on this. You're not even listening, why waste the effort?

\--THAT I FELT A SHIVER RUN THROUGH ME. THERE WAS A DIVINE GLOW RADIATING FROM THIS ITEM, SO POWERFUL IT WAS ALMOST BLINDING. I TORE MY PANTS OFF AND LIKE ANY OTHER TROLL OF LEGENDARY STATUS, I PUT MY BLOOMERS ON ONE PRONG (an im five percent certain thats what he calls his legs) AT A TIME.

This is it? You're risking everything allowing this reality to grow beyond what it is, so you can mahou-shoujo transform Karkat into some poofy not-panties?

THEY FIT PERFECTLY, ALMOST AS IF THEY WERE MADE FOR ME. THEY'RE LOOSE ENOUGH THAT I DON'T FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE BUT THEY STILL HUG THE CURVES OF MY REAR IN THE MOST FLATTERING WAY POSSIBLE. (an what most people dont know is karkats the king of badonkadonk like everyone thinks of jake first but thats cause the guys wardrobe is almost exclusively daisy dukes and mini cargo shorts its really karkat that wins he just hides it all under baggy clothes the traitor) I "GOT CAKE" AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW IT. 

That's it, I'm kinkshaming.

I SPRAY PAINTED MY HAIR *THE* MOST OBNOXIOUS RED POSSIBLE (an he would never do this but its my fantasy so too bad so sad) AND SLIPPED ON SOME HEELED HOLOGRAPHIC COMBAT BOOTS. I TELEPORTED INTO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE APARTMENT ONLY TO HAVE MY ARM GRABBED AS SOON AS I MATERIALIZED.

I WAS HOPING JADE WOULD BE WILLING TO TAG TEAM A CERTAIN VILLAIN DORK STRIDER (an boom roasted) WITH ME, IF ONLY BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF HAPPINESS SLINGSHOTS HIM RIGHT INTO ANAPHYLAXIS WITH A SIDE OF ITCHY EYES AND HIVES, AND JADE HERE IS THE BRIGHTEST FUCKING RAY OF GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE THIS SIDE OF PARADOX SPACE. (an i dont actually know if he set this in paradox space or universe c or some weird mishmash of both, but its paradox space now)

Hilarious. You are really a comedy genius, Dave. I couldn't be prouder.

INSTEAD, SHE DRAGGED ME INTO THE ELEVATOR. HER EYES WEREN'T DOING THAT SPOOKY THING AND THERE WAS A WARM SMILE ON HER FACE, EVEN IF SHE LOOKED KIND OF TROUBLED BY SOMETHING.

JADE: im glad i found you!

JADE: terezi and june went ahead 

KARKAT: BLAH?

JADE: we need to talk

KARKAT: BLAH BLAH? BLAH BLAH BRAVADO YANKED FRESH OUT OF MY ASS BLAH!

JADE: no!! D:<

JADE: its way too dangerous

Obviously, Dave is busy being a child about this and ignoring me completely. It's actually to the point that I'd wonder if he could hear me, if I were a lesser guy. 

THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENED AS JADE AND I WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF DEBATING THE POSSIBLE DANGERS OF ENGAGING SOME POWER-HUNGRY LOSER THAT HATES FUN. I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO QUESTION THIS TURN OF EVENTS WHEN THE DEVIL HIMSELF DECIDED IT WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO PULL ME OUT OF THE ELEVATOR LIKE AN OLD-TIMEY CANE PULLING ME OFF STAGE FOR TELLING UNFUNNY JOKES. THE AUDIENCE CHEERS AND TAKES BRO 2.0 OUT FOR DRINKS, WHILE I'M STUCK BEHIND THE CURTAINS MOURNING MY HOPES AND DREAMS. 

I'm not, though, so I know this echoes loud and clear--if not in your mind, then in the minds of your shiny new toys.

DIRK: Mwahahaha! I've finally fulfilled my dream of being a weird sci-fi anime villain! And, just so you're aware, I'm a dumbass! I'm a state-certified idiot!

I STRUGGLED, AND JADE DID HER SPACE THING TO MAKE DIRK'S HEAD BIG ENOUGH TO MATCH HIS EGO. HE STARTED TANGLED HIS HANDS UP IN THE THINNING HAIR JUST BARELY ATTACHED TO HIS SCALP, AND I WRENCHED FREE. JADE AND I HIGH-FIVED AND IT WAS SICK. 

DIRK: Nooooooooo! Anything but the hair!

Really, you're no better than I am, dragging Other Karkat and Other Jade into your weird and highly inaccurate romance meets revenge fantasy. 

DAVE TEXTED ME AND I BLEW HIM OFF BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE. DIRK STRUGGLED TO KEEP HIS FAT HEAD UPRIGHT, BUT BECAUSE JADE IS WAY MORE CARING THAN ANY OF US ACTUALLY DESERVE AND SHE'S JUST, REALLY GREAT, SHE LEVITATED THE BOTH OF US OFF OF THE GROUND.

I REACHED FOR HER HAND AND OUR COMBINED POWERS OF BEING THE GREATEST EVER LET US TELEPORT BACK INTO WHERE THE *REAL* ACTION WAS.

You and your boy-toy can go on manipulating this reality into whatever shape you desire. At this point, it's already true, and nearly relevant. 

TEREZI: !

I'm just biding my time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao i lured yall in with funnies and now you have to stay for my epilogue hot takes


	22. > DAVE: GIVE HIM THE "M" AND THAT "OOH."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Terezi come to an agreement. Dirk is there.

(A/N: I *REFUSE* TO BELIEVE THAT DAVE CONTINUED MY STORY FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN TO ANTAGONIZE ME. ROXY BELIEVES THAT IT WAS A WELL-MEANING GESTURE INTENDED TO PREVENT ME FROM GIVING UP ON MY HOBBIES. I WOULD APPRECIATE HER TAKE IF I A) HAD EVER ASKED FOR IT AND B) WASN'T SO FAMILIAR WITH DAVE'S PARTICULAR BRAND OF IRONY. THERE'S JUST NO WAY THIS IS ANYTHING *BUT* HIM TRYING TO GET FUEL FOR HIS CLEVER "OWNS" AGAINST ME.)

(RIGHT?)

(...)

(I DON'T KNOW WHY I STILL BOTHER WRITING THESE. NO ONE WILL READ THEM, NOT THAT THEY DID IN THE FIRST PLACE.)

terezi made a weird noise that was like if a cat got stuck inside a fender of a car that was also in the middle of backing up 

i was about to tell june what id been feeling since i held terezis pocket lint in my hand and considered ending it all

not that i could say shit with my heart in my throat 

really i thought some fuck shit was happening like bro was back or worse gamzee had survived his impaling via the same weird plot shit that brought jade back from a molten grave 

instead it was just karkat jade and next to them my not bro (A/N: I'VE MADE HIS PAN NORMAL SIZE BECAUSE I COULD NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY EVEN IF REAL DIRK'S PAN IS SIMILARLY SWOLLEN IN SIZE. IT IS ONE OF FEW REDEEMABLE PLOT POINTS FEATURED IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, GIVEN THAT THE REAL DIRK'S PAN HAS CEASED TO BE HUMAN AND IS NOW AN OVERFERTILIZED SQUASH GONE MAD WITH POWER TOO BUSY SNORTING HIS OWN EXCRETIONS TO GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HIS HUMAN FAMILY UNIT. OR HIS FRIENDS, FOR THAT MATTER.)

he was wearing a hat now and a dirty tank top that said homophobe in big bubble letters

...

his boot cut jeans were pulled high and tied tight with a shoelace and he had on those shoes that regular dads grill with when they plan to fuck it up

I can't decide who's worse; you or Dave. Every time I think I've made a decision, one of you comes up with something terrible beyond human comprehension, and I'm forced to switch.

i was so distracted by his getup i didnt notice terezi shoving me out of her way to go slap karkat upside the head

KARKAT: WHAT IN THE FRESH FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!

JADE: yeah terezi be nice!! 

terezi smacked jade upside the head too

i guess shes handing out slaps today you know its all about that corporal punishment

i mean i dont think any of us actually knew what karkat and jade had done wrong i was still lost on what the hell happened while i took my laughing break

JUNE: (hey dave? any idea what's going on?)

DAVE: (not a one solitary fucking clue)

terezi grabbed them by their wrists and dragged them over to where june and i were

dirk just stayed where he was looking even more checked out than terezi when she was blazing it with the shitty nightmare clown

That's one way to put it, sure.

she jerked her head to a spot behind the stairwell entrance and out of dirks line of sight

were all so connected that i instantly knew what she was talking about and with june right behind me i made a beeline for it

TEREZI: WHY D1D YOU BR1NG H1M W1TH YOU?!

KARKAT: WHO, DIRK?

she had her red shades on and her mouth only twitched but even that tiny gesture spoke volumes 

DAVE: yo kittykat do you mind toning down the himbo energy me and june are trying to catch up with rez on this

JUNE: oh yeah! dave you missed that part, right?

DAVE: what part

JUNE: where dirk was the villain?

DAVE: no i got that

DAVE: im just hoping for some details

DAVE: you know maybe what he actually did to start

DAVE: with a side of why

terezi crawled up the side of the thing and ever so discreetly spied on dirk

his shades made it look like he was making eye contact but his shoulders were slouched and he had a thin line of drool leaking out of the corner of his mouth

im willing to bet hes more cross eyed than she is

once she was confident he wasnt paying us any mind she dropped down and pulled everyone into a football huddle

TEREZI: TH3R3 1S SOM3TH1NG GO1NG ON H3R3 B1GG3R TH4N 4NY OF US, 1NCLUD1NG M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3 CRUSH OV3R TH3R3

DAVE: thats what im SAYING

JUNE: okay, but i thought YOU said jim carrey movies are not valid metaphors for anything!

DAVE: that was before

DAVE: this is the future

TEREZI: SHUT UP YOU TWO, 1'M ST1LL T4LK1NG!

TEREZI: 1'V3 B33N TH1NK1NG S1NC3 H3 "4PP34R3D" TH4T SOM3TH1NG W4S OFF

TEREZI: L3T'S ST4RT W1TH D4V3 4ND 1

TEREZI: OUR R3L4T1ONSH1P W4S *N3V3R* 4S CUT 4ND DRY 4S WH3N H3 BROK3 UP W1TH M3

TEREZI: 4ND J4D3! YOU L1K3D D4V3! BUT THOS3 F33L1NGS JUST V4N1SH3D, D1DN'T TH3Y?

JADE: i guess so! :0

TEREZI: 1T'S L1K3 W3 STOPP3D B31NG US, SOM3ON3 CH4NG3D TH4T D3F1N1T1ON, 4ND TR13D TO M4K3 US TH1NK TH1S

I almost forgot about Terezi and her sensitivity to "interference."

and she started gesturing wildly at houston around us and june had to duck twice to avoid getting hit in the face with her girlfriends bony ass elbows

TEREZI: 1S NORM4L

DAVE: does it kinda feel like

DAVE: theres a script

Her and Dave on the same page like this doesn't look too good for you.

DAVE: we didnt write it and well never get to read it

DAVE: somehow were sticking to it anyway like if we dont our souls are gonna get permagrounded on the cosmic level

...He's not wrong.

DAVE: but some jackass keeps rewriting the stupid thing 

TEREZI: 4ND SOM3 OTH3R J4CK4SS 1S G1V1NG 4 RUNN1NG COMM3NT4RY TH4T 1S 3XTR3M3LY GR4T1NG WH3N YOU'R3 NOT ON DRUGS?

JADE: what??

I'll let her have that one.

DAVE: uh

TEREZI: 4ND H3 SOUNDS 4 LOT L1K3 D1RK?

DAVE: ...

Busted.

KARKAT: JUST WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!

JUNE: what are you saying, exactly?

TEREZI: 1'M NOT S4Y1NG 4NYTH1NG!

TEREZI: TH3 3V1D3NC3, HOW3V3R...

terezi started pacing back and forth

she was clearly thinking about something cause she was totally getting all her steps in with all that back and forth

DAVE: ...

JADE: ...

JUNE: ... 

karkat opened his mouth to say something and i almost tripped over myself slapping my hand over his plump kissable lips

oh man kissing him wouldve been WAY smoother (A/N: DAVE HAS TRIED THIS. IT IS *NOT*, IN FACT, SMOOTHER.)

instead of thanking me for rescuing him from another karkat brand social faux pas his caterpillar eyebrows smushed together and he tried to bite me

JADE: boys!! 

KARKAT: MMFH!!

DAVE: sorry jade but im doing yall a favor

he struggled and i wrapped my free arm around him holding him close to my sweaty shirtless chest

booyeah

JADE: sorry terezi

TEREZI: W3 SHOULD K1LL H1M

my hold loosened around karkat and i dropped my hand from his mouth but he didnt move or talk

probably because he too was trying to figure out where that came from

TEREZI: 1 S41D WH4T 1--

KARKAT: OH NO, NOT AGAIN. WE AS AN OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS CIRCLE OF HATEFRIENDSHIP WILL NOT BE FEELING AND ESPECIALLY GIVING INTO ANY MURDEROUS URGES AS LONG AS I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT. WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, I DO! I COULD STAND HERE UNTIL THE EXOSKELETON PEELS OFF OF MY RAPIDLY DECAYING CORPSE DELIVERING A WELL-DESERVED AND LONG-OVERDUE "NAGGING" ABOUT WHY WE DON'T KILL EACH OTHER JUST BECAUSE! 

TEREZI: 1T'S NOT JUST B3C4US3! 

TEREZI: H3'S SOM3HOW G41N3D TH3 AB1L1TY TO S33 4T L34ST D4V3 4ND 1'S L1V3S 4ND CH4NG3 TH1NGS, L1K3 H3'S DON3 FROM TH3 MOM3NT H3 GOT H3R3!

I'll give her a C+ for the effort. She's so close and yet so far from the mark, they have to make up a new name for the technique. Maybe they'll name it after her.

DAVE: hey tez maybe we should

KARKAT: HERE'S AN IDEA! JUST TALK TO HIM! IF SOMETHING ELSE CHANGES, THEN YOU KNOW IT WAS HIM.

I wonder if Other!Karkat will figure out he's closer to the culprit than the current suspect. You still haven't, but he's not a literal himbo when you write him so maybe there's hope for him yet. 

terezi curled her top lip but karkat stood his ground his body still glued to mine

im pretty sure i was sweating enough for both of us

need i even mention the state of my potentially erect body parts? 

Assuming, of course, that you don't pass the laptop to Dave the first chance you get. I know that stupid grin you get when you read his little notes.

KARKAT: DAVE, YOU'RE SWEATY. 

DAVE: i am

KARKAT: STOP SWEATING!

DAVE: wish i could turn it off

DAVE: but its just what you do to me

DAVE: imagine your sweaty troll friend

KARKAT: I'D RATHER NOT.

DAVE: okay but for the sake of this metaphor 

DAVE: im your sweaty troll friend

DAVE: but instead of weird shit i get real sweaty about karkats you know real hot and heavy

Ah, young love.

DAVE: but not in a sexy way in a bro way

Disgusting.

while i had karkat distracted in my arms and almost making eye contact through my shades terezi slipped away

we didnt know she did it until we heard her yell

TEREZI: V1B3 CH3CK!

JUNE: TEREZI, NO!

JADE: TEREZI!!!

karkat ripped himself away from me which im pretty sure was as heartbreaking for him as it was for me

im sure we were onto something there with that chest to chest sweaty hug action 

under the burning houston sun 

im no expert but my sources all say thats romantic as fuck

Oh, Jesus. Gross.

anyway no matter how fast he moved his short little legs karbabes could not move fast enough to stop terezi after june and jade failed 

she drew her arms back and gave dirk a shove 

he was so out of it he didnt even resist it he just toppled over the side of the building like a freshly tranquilized city giraffe 

What the fuck is a city giraffe?

there was some crashing and some banging but we were too high up to hear what was probably a really ugly splat when he hit the pavement

Gone, but not forgotten. At least now Dave will have to really bend over backwards to fit me in as an intellectually-compromised villain who says nothing of value, ever. Which, might I add, is highly inaccurate and frankly offensive, even if I can understand his motives and may be inclined to do the same if I were a protagonist and also five years old. 

i walked up to the edge of the building but kept my distance from where everyone else was gathered

karkat came up beside me and we looked down

dirk was spread eagling on the sidewalk in a pool of his own blood with his head missing cause thats his thing or whatever

...

karkats fingers brushed mine and i almost grabbed his hand

weve held hands before but not on purpose

at least not in the past 24 hours that i can remember

Karkat.

i wondered if itd be chill just to kind of

go for it

i bet he has soft hands

i felt my hand twitch and i coughed to take my mind off of how warm and inviting casual intimacy with my best bro sounded right about now

im supposed to be worried about dirk

he was my bro and terezi just murked him without a second thought

guy was an ass but thats part of the strider charm which she used to be all about

KARKAT: IT'S OKAY TO BE SAD, YOU KNOW.

fuck it

i reached for his hand and made the most beautiful knot of his left hand and my right

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: i know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably the last chapter with karkat as an author fyi


	23. > Dave: Pop that trussy like a perc.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Karkat realize something important.

(A/N THANK YOU TO REAL DAVE FOR HIS HELP WITH MY RESEARCH FOR THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS. IT WAS AN ENLIGHTENING EXPERIENCE.)

Research...?

(an lmao research what happened to telling it like it is let the imaginary people know your trussy game made me go insane fucked up my brain better make you bae)

Ah. Intercourse. Lovely.

(hm)

(ill work on it)

Took you long enough.

(I THANK WHATEVER HIGHER BEINGS ARE OUT THERE THAT WHATEVER MENTAL EJACULATE LEAVES YOUR MOUTH IS *INCAPABLE* OF BEING SHARED OUTSIDE OF THIS SHIP.)

he squeezed my hand

i looked at him

really looked at him

he was gnawing on his lower lip but i bet they were still soft a perfect fit for mine if i ever worked up the nerve

his eyes were wide and there was a shine to them that wasnt always there

but in moments like these there are a lot of things about us that make surprise appearances

including our mutual ex girlfriend i guess

I swear to fucking God, Karkat Vantas. 

terezi came up to us and i snatched my hand out of karkats

You two fucked. You cannot keep writing this shit like this!

i coughed and i could almost physically feel the air around us getting heavy with the awkwardness of it all

No, you know what? Fuck this.

You absolutely do not fix your grimy claws to hack out another bullshit line about how close this Dave and this Karkat were to a real, fulfilling romance, when they weren't busy being torn apart by whatever force you happen to be feeling that day.

Instead, you decide that it would be much better if Terezi went away. She can always come back later, but she won't be getting in the way of these hot yaois if you have anything to say about it.

TEREZI: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 HORNY 1N H3R3!

TEREZI: J4D3, JUN3, 1 TH1NK W3 SHOULD L34V3.

You write June following Terezi.

Jade wants to stay, but you're the author of this story. You won't let her. 

terezi seized jades wrist as she started walking towards us and dragged her down the stairs into the building

i went after them

The hell he does! You make Dave sit the fuck down and stop that, because whether or not he goes is not his decision to make.

i sit the fuck down and stop that

whatever that is

Now, you might initially be confused about this turn of events. This is not what you had spent hour after agonizing hour preparing in another, separate Goregle Doc--but believe me, this is much better for everyone involved.

Now, let's have Dave...

Actually, on second thought; why don't you initiate for a change? I did have better luck convincing you than I ever did Dave.

That may just be him carrying the Strider curse of having all the brain cells in your relationship, but I'll take what I can get.

Karkat sits down next to Dave. Your fingers are flying on the keyboard translating all this into Dave's usual speech quirks. 

At first, they sit five feet apart like their alternate counterparts haven't already been doing the nasty and calling it research for this chapter, but slowly, they inch closer. Soon their hands are intertwined just like they were before Terezi interrupted their tooth-rottingly sweet moment together. 

KARKAT: ...THIS IS NICE.

Dave smiles, a rare occasion but never an unwelcome one. His teeth are a brilliant white that he surely gets from his father.

DAVE: yeah

Alright, time to pick up the pace.

Karkat reaches up to push his shades on top of his head. Dave lets him, because deep down, he wants this, too. (A/N: I DIDN'T WRITE THIS, WHAT THE FUCK?)

Dave's eyes are a vibrant shade of crimson, practically glowing in the light of the setting sun. He feels his heart skip a beat, but he won't be distracted.   
His hand eases down, his thumb caressing Dave's cheek in a gesture that is still, after all this time, so gentle. As he pushes on the back of his head, bringing their lips dangerously close, his breath catches. Karkat looks up at him with those red-flecked shoujo eyes and he has to avert his gaze. A pink flush dusts his cheeks. (A/N: WHOSE PIPING HOT LOAD OF 

KARKAT: IS THIS... OKAY? WE DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO

Dave nods quickly. He's never been more sure of anything in his life when he tells him, 

DAVE: its ok 

DAVE i mean i want to

(A/N: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON EXACTLY BUT THIS HAS BEEN *MY* STORY FROM DAY FUCKING ONE, SHITLORD.)

i took a deep breath and tried to say exactly what i was thinking against the strange sinking i felt in my gut

DAVE: do YOU want to?

DAVE: last time we

DAVE: well lets just say you didnt seem too thrilled about us being a thing

Oh, for fuck's sake. 

Karkat ignores everything Dave just said, given that he's gotten the all-clear, and goes in for the kill.

i tilted my head to the side and karkat missed my mouth by just an inch (A/N: HA, GUESS AGAIN!)

DAVE: im serious

DAVE: i understand if you think this is too fast

DAVE: we can wait if thats what you want

No, that is not what he wants. That is the exact opposite of what he wants. What he wants is to be raw-dogged, right here and now, by his favorite dude in the history of forever.

KARKAT: DAVE. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS *ANY* CLEARER TO YOU, BUT I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT IN THE SLIGHTEST. YOU BROKE UP WITH TEREZI, YOU HELD MY PRONG, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE "FINE PRINT."

(A/N: I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT AND YOU KNOW IT, YOU 

he massaged the back of my neck as he spoke 

his voice was loud as fuck

(A/N: I

still i couldnt help but be charmed into opening my legs for him

DAVE: okay katkat

(A/N: ST

DAVE: make an honest woman out of me

And what happens next is left unsaid, because it doesn't need to be said, and I, frankly, have no desire to see what they get up to. My primary investment is in the fact that it happens at all. 

karkat gave me a peck on the lips and paused because hes got manners and isnt trying to pressure me into anything

Go for it, Karkat. Write whatever you like. I'm satisfied that even you aren't so bad of an author to try and retcon the perfect opportunity for smut.

i felt uneasy

the same sensation that i described to terezi

but being with karkat couldnt be as simple as a change in the script

Rose is calling me. I may return, I may not. We'll see.


	24. One.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We take a break from reality to continue our observations of events post-canon.

I hate to interrupt your reading of Karkat's "secret" fanfiction, but unfortunately, the present is a more pressing issue than the past of a reality that has yet to become "canon." 

If this shift bothers you, who is likely adjusted to Karkat's voice and style of writing, that's unfortunate. He will not be available for some time. Assuming my father does not decide to continue his delay in favor of more costume adjustments, I will continue the work on Karkat's behalf. That is, should I have no other pending tasks, of course.

Anyway, our ship has now entered the same system as a planet of particular interest to our cause. I figure this may be of some significance to Dirk, so I do the reasonable thing and page him from the control console.

DIRK: Are my fucking pantaloons ready yet?

I have half a mind to throw his "pantaloons" on the floor and stomp all the wrinkles and dirt I can into them. 

He's made himself scarce since our departure from Earth C, and I'd find myself considerably morose for the fact if he hadn't made me iron his laundry in his absence.

There's not much to do, sure, but it's quite the dick move if I do say so myself.

With the new world only a short distance away, I would find fewer opportunities to be bored, but all of it hinged on my ecto-relation coming out of his lair sometime today.

Which, he will not do without properly-pressed pantaloons, apparently.

ROSEBOT: Yes, Father.

I stress the word as much as my vocal synthesizer will allow, and throw in a curtsy for good measure when he walks in.

His face doesn't so much as twitch in response, but I've come to know he is nowhere near as expressive as Dave. I'm beginning to suspect it's less of his control and more that he wasn't able to develop "tells" or even reflexive expressions with his isolated childhood.

DIRK: And our tail?

The glow emitting from my eyes overtakes my ocular sensors for a moment. When the light fades, I'm looking not at my father's lack of expression, but at the future of a mess hall on a ship not our own. 

I am granted the impression of Karkat sitting at a table with Roxy, arguing in whispers that are barely qualified to be called such. Jake sits by himself, not far, but far enough. Across the mess hall from them, and notably within Karkat's line of sight, sits Dave, joined by a whole slew of other characters, Jade, and... Kanaya.

I feel a phantom pain in my chassis at the presence of my wife. I no longer have a heart to feel break when I see her cheeks have become gaunt. Her eyes are sunken like she hasn't been taking good care of herself. There are jade stains on her cheeks, and though I know this is the choice I had to make, I am filled with the desire to wipe those tears away. 

The corner of her lip twitches at something--Aradia, my higher processes provide--says. 

Dave reaches for her shoulder and gives it what he means to be a comforting squeeze, even though he himself looks similarly troubled.

DIRK: Rose.

The sound of his voice prods at the parts of my being I try to keep buried deep within, urging me to return to the task at hand.

I look closer at the other two sitting with Aradia, Dave, Jade, and Kanaya. At first, I think my Sight is compromised, but in this form, I know better. It takes my sinking deeper into the ink-like darkness of lives I both have and have not lived to explain what I see. I know these two. 

One is Jade, several years younger. 

The other is my brother, several years older, confined to a chassis exactly like my own.

In the same sense that I can call them strangers, they both feel so familiar it's a wonder my Sight glimpsed over them to begin with. 

"Davebot" turns his head and I feel his gaze, piercing though he cannot see me.

DAVEBOT: rose

DAVEBOT: long time no see

The light cuts out and in a rare show of consideration, my father is there to catch my body as it slumps and nearly topples over. 

DIRK: What did you see?

ROSEBOT: They will be joined by another Dave, another Jade, and one of the trolls not part of our session.

I do not tell him that Dave was able to feel my presence, even if he may already know.

DIRK: You can do better than that. Don't hold out on me, Rose.

ROSEBOT: Fine. There will be an older Dave in a body just like mine, a doomed Jade, and Aradia, with them. She was the time player for the trolls' session.

DIRK: Perfect.

He reaches over me and grabs his pantaloons from where I'd left them on the console, and the moment passes. 

Satisfied, he leaves me alone in the cockpit of the ship. Mostly. 

Terezi is lurking in the hall just outside. She has been uncharacteristically unobtrusive, and does not speak for some time, only letting her tired eyes sweep over the many monitors and my tin vessel as though to reassure herself this is our reality. 

TEREZI: 1T'S JUST 4S 4NNOY1NG WH3N YOU DO 1T, L4LOND3

Her nose crinkles in distaste, and she pushes by me to get to the console. She sniffs a few times, turning her head this way and that to take in the different controls. I stand by and watch as she licks the screen which displays a render of the M-class planet we, or rather Dirk, are targeting. 

TEREZI: QU1T 1T! 1'M TRY1NG TO CONC3NTR4T3

ROSEBOT: I'm only observing. Would you prefer I take a page from my father's book and pressure you into writing racy fanfiction between you and Vriska?

Terezi scowls at me, with a rumble in her throat I've come to know as irritation.

TEREZI: WHY DO3S 1T H4V3 TO 1NVOLV3 M3 4T 4LL? W3'R3 NOT 3V3N WH3R3 YOU "N33D" TH4T POW3R Y3T, HOLD YOUR STUP1D HOOFB34STS!

She's not wrong.

ROSEBOT: Very well. I'll take my leave once I'm sure you aren't planning to sabotage anything.

Naturally, she freezes with her hands raised over the many mechanisms in front of her. It's more of a stutter in her movement, but if she is guiltless, she wouldn't have paused at all. 

At the very least, she was considering what I described.

TEREZI: WH4T3V3R

With nothing else to say or do in this room, she leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter marks what ive taken to calling The Fuckening on my chittr, where we no longer have to rely on glimpses of the meat timeline from karkat's author's notes. now we get to hear about it from one of those involved!


	25. Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get hot and heavy, and then they don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter bumps up my immortroll to mature just in case. i know i can't stop those of you under the proper age from reading anyway, but i'm strongly discouraging it. there are line breaks before and after the scene in question.

After Terezi slumps away to brood in one of the many rooms available, I find myself walking the well-worn path to the infirmary. What was formerly Rose Lalonde is still there, her life supported by machines. It's always jarring to see her this way, no matter how many times I visit. I'm so used to experiencing the world through her lens, but I know now that it will never fit me again.

The thought leaves me hollow. Well, moreso than usual, but you aren't here to listen to me prattle about my ascension. You care about Karkat.

My glimpses of the nearest future have him in one of their ship's bedchambers. He is sitting on the bed, with his husktop open on his lap. A pair of arms are around his waist, and their owner's face is buried in the crook of his neck. Dave's shades are resting on the night table, and his eyes are soft, only for the troll glaring holes through his screen.

It appears Karkat has run into some trouble continuing his story after so much, shall we say, divine intervention.

Need a hand?

Dave's expression doesn't change, but he chews idly on the nail of his pinky. It's a vile habit, and a dangerous one. He could reduce his fingers to bloody stumps, and grow a taste for human flesh, slowly consuming the crew of the ship one by one right under their noses.

Karkat smacks Dave's hand away from his mouth.

KARKAT: STOP THAT, IT'S DISGUSTING.

KARKAT: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.

DAVE: wasnt listening try me again

KARKAT: SHOULD I TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK, OR SHOULD I REWRITE THE WHOLE THING? THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT DECISION THAT COULD AFFECT THE OUTCOME OF THE STORY, AND I'D REALLY FUCKING APPRECIATE IT IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING MYSELF OR WAKING YOU UP.

DAVE: maybe if you read it to me i could actually help

KARKAT: NO!!!

Sensing the immediate danger, he slammed his husktop shut and hugged it close to his chest. He was not bothered by the legs squirming from the device, but the sight was sufficient to get Dave to back off and leave a man to his literature.

I should explain something before I continue.

My powers are not those of Dirk. I do not move people like chess pieces to achieve my desired stoyline. I couldn't do this even if I wanted to, however, I have found I have my own means of narrative control that I don't believe even he could understand or achieve, given his class and aspect.

The story I tell you from here forth may not be the same story that Karkat will write.

In fact, it may be very different, but it is the idealized version, and the only one that you will have the ability to read. For all intents and purposes, what Karkat writes does not matter. It only matters that it is written. I have chosen to illuminate the best possible iteration, free for your consumption.

You're welcome, you voyeur.

* * *

A young man sits alone on a haphazardly-stacked pile of mattresses, in a reality that is soon to be canon.

Twenty-four chapters ago, he was given a name. His name is Dave Elizabeth Ludacris Snoop Dogg Strider. He saw much action in those forty-eight hours after you were first introduced, in both the literal and figurative sense.

Two weeks have since come and gone, and he reflects on the events of that time.

Terezi is no longer his girlfriend, but they are on good terms. She visits the apartment he shares with Karkat frequently, often accompanied by her girlfriends June and Vriska.

Jade is less frequent since her breakup with Terezi, but she pesters Dave daily as she learns that she does not need a relationship to be happy.

Rose has stopped drinking, and has renewed her vows with Kanaya.

Today, the apartment has no visitors. There is only Dave, and Karkat.

KARKAT: OH, DAVE.

His hand finds that of his quadrantmate, and though he can't see Dave's eyes through his shades, he looks into them anyway. He wets his lower lip, and takes a deep breath.

KARKAT: YOU HAVE THE MOST SHRIVELED, DEFORMED HUSK OF A BODY, WEIRD AND FULL OF HOLES. I WANT IT.

Dave's cheeks burn. He wants nothing more than to strip away his current ensemble and go heels-to-Jesus with Karkat, but they're supposed to wait.

KARKAT: YOU HAVE "HANDS."

He guided Dave's hand to the buttons of his romper. Dave moans and unfastens them all with the fervor of a born-again virgin. Yes, he has been deflowered several times over the course of this story, but Karkat is his end-game, and has been since Chapter Six.

Once freed of his denim prison, Karkat spreads himself over the mattress pile like a suggestive imitation of a starfish.

Dave kisses him, the movements of his tongue and lips proving that his first kiss was Terezi after all.

His hands wander all over Karkat's exposed body, down his chest, over his grub scars and the curves of his hips. He stops there, tracing the path left by his fingers with his lips.

He nips at his grubscars and Karkat grunts, but not out of pain.

DAVE: you smell kinda like hot cheetos

Rose.

There is a look of pure pleasure on Karkat's features, and Dave nearly convulses. Ever the eager one, he settles himself between his boyfriend's thighs.

If he had any other plans, they're averted by Karkat's bulge unsheathing itself and more or less slapping him across the face. The sensation is a cross between a wet towel snapped in the boys' locker room and a piece of overcooked linguine thrown across the dining room table at a family reunion.

Rose, what the hell are you doing? We're only two hours out.

Dave, for his part, is merciful and says nothing about the brilliant red streak on his cheek and jaw. He is quick to undo his chastity belt. Karkat props himself up on his elbows to see the reason for the delay. He's panting, wanting, and Dave's face does not turn away from his as he throws the device away. 

KARKAT: SHIT.

Karkat falls against the mattress once more, wondering how it's possible that everything is going straight to his bulge. There is an explanation, but it involves an in-depth lesson that Dave finds he does not prefer to a more hands-on method of investigation.

DAVE: i can do stuff

DAVE: to you

DAVE: idk to who else the apartments empty

DAVE: i think

DAVE: terezi doesnt have the key still does she

He continues to ramble about the possibilities of being caught in such a compromising position, but the troll isn't listening. He's breathless, in awe of Dave's particular brand of nonsense.

I need you at your best.

KARKAT: SHUT YOUR UGLY MOUTH. I WANT YOU INSIDE ME.

DAVE: what no

He frowns.

DAVE: one thing at a time dude you havent even shown me your uh

DAVE: uh

Never one to care about silly things like socially-acceptable responses, Dave makes an incredibly vulgar gesture meant to represent another sort of troll genitalia. Karkat buries his face in his hands.

* * *

Fine. I hope you know you forced my hand.

I'm not like you, no. I don't have any "sight," at least in the traditional sense, and thus you and Terezi make suitable assets to fill that deficit. I do, however, have access to a multitude of alternate selves across all of time and space. It's an ability I've had since before I knew we would ever even play the game, albeit to a much lesser extent. You know this.

You can hide from me, but never for long. You know this as well.

I'm starting to believe this is a form of entertainment for you.

I ease away from the primary vessel for my awareness. To you or Terezi, I appear half-asleep. Don't mind me, I'm just spacing out. It happens often.

The thread tethering me to our reality goes slack, and I'm free to enter a splinter that has felt your light shine upon his reality before.

I open my eyes to something eerily familiar and yet entirely new.

DIRK: Hey.

Dave jumps back from the mattress pile and Karkat lunges for a pillow to cover himself as some undead asshole barges into the room without knocking. He is stunned to see the reanimated corpse of his quadrantmate's brother slash father, who they both watched die only two weeks prior.

He shrugs it off quickly because weirder things have happened in this godforsaken hellhole.

DAVE: bro unreal youre a fucking cockroach push you off a building cut off your head and youll still be crawling up our assholes two weeks later

Dirk snorts, able to at least appreciate both an excellent joke and stunningly lifelike imitation of my brother's mannerisms.

DIRK: I wasn't talking to you.

DAVE: what

DIRK: Rose. You can't keep ignoring me.

Dave raises one eyebrow. Karkat huffs. They were interrupted when I'm not even here?

KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

DIRK: Rose.

I'm busy.

DIRK: Doing what? Watching the outcome of someone else playing house with paper cut-outs of your friends?

DIRK: We talked about this.

You talked about this.

DIRK: What's even going on here?

Well, before your ill-timed interruption, Karkat and Dave were going to consummate their relationship.

DAVE: yeah so im not too thrilled about this development

DAVE: think you could make like a kangaroo and bounce?

DIRK: Dave, not now. The adults are talking.

DAVE: we're the same age??

KARKAT: I HATE THIS. I HATE YOU, AND I HATE *YOU* ESPECIALLY. YOU'RE NOT EVEN TALKING TO ANYONE, JUST TRYING TO FREAK US OUT AS FUCKING USUAL.

Dirk then decides to leave the room, and possibly this reality, because he remembers he doesn't actually have any plans for it. He is only here because the mystery is frustrating and he enjoys being a thorn in the side of as many people as he can find.

DIRK: You can try, but you know that won't work.

...

Dirk does no such thing because he does have a plan, one that he feels is not necessary to share with every flighty robo-broad that breathes down his neck about it. He parks his ass right on the mattress between Karkat's bare rump and Dave with the pillow over his crotch. Ultimate Cockblock status secured.

I thought you were eager for them to be an item.

DIRK: I am. Doesn't mean I want to be there while they make it official.

DIRK: I don't even understand why you would want to be.

I don't either, but it's required for the illumination of a complete and idealized ending.

DIRK: And that is the path that you think will lead them to canonicity.

Yes.

DIRK: There's no Doom player, so the story won't actually end.

I wonder who's responsible for that.

I don't dignify that with a response, because I'm not going to entertain my "daughter's" childish games. We've probably killed those two fucking hours already with this pointless back and forth.

DIRK: I don't see what the point of your interference is.

I don't see what the point of yours was either.

If you're particularly desperate for answers, you could chalk it up to gods being bored and wishing to test the extent of their power on the ultimate sandbox.

My patience is beginning to wear thin.

DIRK: Motives aside, the fun's over. You're coming home.

Karkat and Dave share a meaningful look over Dirk's shoulder.

You decide to quit fuckin' around and chill out with the future vision. You know there will be plenty of time to spy on this reality when you don't have, I don't know, the fate of real canon on your hands?

I decide to quit--what the fuck, Dirk? Stop it.

You want to be stubborn, but you know the more you resist, the harder I'll push this.

I want to be stubborn, but I know the more I resist--FINE!

ROSEBOT: Happy?

The last of that reality fades, and my ocular sensors resume their feed of the infirmary. Dirk is there, standing between me and my body. Rather than acknowledge the questionable nature of his actions, he cracks his neck and walks around me to the door. He pauses in the frame, and turns his head to the side. It isn't as cool as he thinks it looks.

DIRK: We've arrived. You can sulk later.


	26. an intermission.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the narrative changes hands once more, as it will several times over the course of this story.

the prince and the seers of mind and light are about to embark on a quest that is as necessary as it is heinous. what he seeks to do will not only rob his closest of friends of their agency, but doom them to a closed loop that while truthful, relevant, and essential, holds little for them besides inescapable suffering repeated for eternity.

he has chosen the mantle of villain, but to protect the heroes of this tale from the fallout of his path, they will require the assisstance of someone not blinded by hubris and without ulterior motive. this person will not know he is helping. this person does not even number himself among the heroes. his existence may end without him knowing of his role in this story. nevertheless, he is a vital piece in the game between his companions and the prince. 

elsewhere, dave and karkat have fallen asleep, having gained no progress in the latter's writing. this does not matter, for the larger narrative only demands that he type that first, fateful chapter. once the tale of dave elizabeth biggie tupac snoop strider is begun, it will and it has continued to grow independent of its creator's actions or the intent hiding behind them.

at present, the file containing karkat's work has not ventured beyond their more fictional counterparts' romantic ventures, however, that reality is no longer bound by his whims.  
unaware of their observer, dave shifts and mumbles in his sleep. karkat makes this sound that trolls sometimes do when asleep, analogous to human "snoring" and the sound of an engine trying and failing to start.

they do not know it, but the creation of his fiction is as necessitated by canon as the actions of the prince, or as the creation of either of them in a lab in the veil. it is the among the most critical occurrences on this side of the victory platform, bar none. 

moments pass. the rogue opens the door a crack to check up on them. he smiles upon seeing the husktop abandoned and their limbs entangled. dave is hogging the sheets, but one of his arms has broken free of his textile cocoon to wrap around karkat's exposed midriff, where his shirt has ridden up. he lets out another snort and roxy puts a hand to his mouth to stifle a giggle. he is happy for them.

he closes the door gently. 

yes, he decides, he is very happy for them. enough that, even if only for a moment, he may forget the heartbreak obscured by his aspect. we may only guess at his true feelings, but the film of unshed tears over his eyes provide all the insight we will need.

roxy lets go of the door handle and turns. he takes a transportalizer to the command deck. it is a split-second of atoms being transferred as digital representations of the forms they normally comprise, downloaded and reuploaded on the other side.

KANAYA: Oof

ROXY: oops!! sry naya

KANAYA: Its Fine I Should Have Expected As Much

KANAYA: I Dont Think Transportalizers Are Capable Of Functioning Without A Maryam On The Other Side To Knock Around

ROXY: lol

KANAYA: That Aside I Was Looking For You

KANAYA: Karkat And Dave As Well

ROXY: theyre asleep and i think we should leave em if w/e this is abt isnt like a megamergency

ROXY: u shouldve seen it daves all wrapped round him like a cute lil octopus and sleepykat gives ZERO fux rn its certified ADORBS

kanaya averts her eyes. she is ashamed to hear of her dear friends' happiness and find herself miserable and envious. her fists open and close, her eyes sting, but she forces herself to relax. the smile she offers roxy is too wide, far more fanged and unsettling than any proper expression should be.

ROXY: uh

ROXY: wht is this abt again

the smile drops from the sylph's face as quickly as if it were never there. her eyes become tense and serious.

KANAYA: We Have Company

ROXY: wut

KANAYA: Come To The Mealblock

KANAYA: Its Easier If You See For Yourself

the trip is short. they arrive in the "mealblock," where both of my vessels, the maid, and a reborn knight await them. the page shies away from the younger jade's dark gaze as she turns her head. roxy's eyes sweep across the menagerie, settling on the robot resting his feet on one of the tables.

ROXY: o shit

ROXY: we got company

DAVEBOT: no shit

he flexes the fingers of his new vessel. if roxy is unnerved by the glow of his eyes from behind his shades, or the resemblance to his ectobiological son, he does not show it.  
my narration claws at his senses like claws on a chalkboard, or chewing gravel, but he does not attempt to stop me, understanding the necessity of this intermission.

DAVEBOT: were missing two

ROXY: start w/o em they can catch up l8r

DAVEBOT: no time

ROXY: so make time!

aradia looks pleased at roxy's choice of words, even if it was not his intention. it is a play on words directed at her narrative role, which itself could also be considered--

DAVEBOT: UGH

very well. dave turns his attention back to the conversation at hand. the corner of roxy's mouth twitches. aradia is still beaming, her smile every bit as eerie as kanaya's attempt, but not at all out of place. this is simply how she is.

ARADIA: :D

DAVEBOT: stop that

ARADIA: i didnt say anything

DAVEBOT: you thought it

ROXY: hem HEM

aradia relaxes her grin. roxy taps his foot and davebot pretend he does not notice. 

he notes instead that his face is much younger than he is used to. 

DAVEBOT: i still dont see a dave

ROXY: take it easy

JAKE: (why do we need dave?)

ROXY: jake wtf r u doing

DAVEBOT: why are you whispering

kanaya looks from davebot to roxy and back to davebot. she is not aware of it, but what convinces her to leave them alone together, and find her other friends, is not an epiphany about the human family dynamics that may or may not be in play. it is not a desire to hear davebot's exposition. it is not even the desire to retrieve her spouse from the prince's thrall. 

at her core, she too is a space player. she understands that certain conditions must be met to advance the narrative, even if she does not know that there is one to begin with. 

KANAYA: I Will Wake Them Up And Then You

she points a claw at davebot.

KANAYA: You Will Explain Everything

DAVEBOT: alright bet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you like my immortroll, please consider helping me out with a ko-fi or a commission! info here: https://twitter.com/mitunabubble/status/1172364636919926784?s=20
> 
> thanks for reading! i love reading all your comments, tweets, thoughts and concerns!


	27. lets do this shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welcome to my twisted fucking mind

well

looks like its my turn behind the wheel

the cherub said something about narrating the hip happenings among team rock my ectobros shit beyond fucking recognition

whos macking on who

who feels abandoned by who

the works

share with the class the many benefits of traveling to a timeline where my fuckups dont have any significance outside of existing in memories from fifty trillion different idiot daves across time and space

except its not really a timeline? its more like the og final destination without the invisible hand of death and plus the very visible hands and/or claws of three to four different people arguing over what should and shouldnt happen to the barely consequential caricatures of the people who *actually* matter in this shit. and in the end dirk strider gets electrocuted by the clothesline because we love consistency

i could wax hells of philosophical about it but thats never been my style so

back to the quote unquote present

roxys been hounding me about my tragic backstory and while i COULD tell her and get it over with i dont feel like repeating it. i especially DONT feel like waiting for these assholes to play telephone with it and then have the miscommunication result in a one take timeline performing an incredible synchronized swimming type pirouette swirl down the porcelain stage and coming out all sorts of fucked

my head swivels to the door as my internal clock ticks towards the moment i--or really the dave that belongs here--remember walking in behind kanaya with... my hand in his. right.

thats a thing here

DAVEBOT: fucking finally

kanaya walks over to the table ive claimed as my pride rock cause you already know im the mufasa to my younger alt selfs simba and if i werent already dead i might have shit a brick. maybe.

DAVEBOT: pull up a chair kids its a long story

ROXY: blarghhhhhhh

DAVE: (oh HELL no you have GOT to be fucking KIDDING ME)

dave looks like hes making a mental map of all the exits and i dont blame him cause i am him but i also want to tell him not to pussy out here of all places hes clearly already fessed up to karkalicious the hardest part is done my guy

JADE: ...

ARADIA: dont mind us were just tagging along

JAKE: Fuck im not sure i like this...

KARKAT: ARADIA???

ARADIA: shhhhh

...

speak of the devil he wasnt really awake before the troll girl thats been following me and the cherub said something and of course he jumps right into a rant i remember hearing before despite this being the first time that this body has experienced it. funny how that ultimate self bs works

he looks just as i remember him and yet entirely a stranger, his hair is short where it should be long and his face is only just starting to lose the chub i havent seen on him in ages. i want to say i dont know him but i did or i have hes as familiar to me as the back of my hand and also like trying to read alternian romance novels myself and not listening to them aloud from the mouth of someone who actually enjoys them

hes to me something i dont think i could work up the nerve to think to myself and also a memory that is threatening to slip away any moment im not thinking of it, of him and it fucking sucks

the bags under his eyes are more of a designer clutch type than the twin duffels hes got on earth c twenty something years down the line and his frown lines have yet to take hold but no matter how many differences i spot my piece of shit brain or whatever passes for it in this body refuses to let go

it shouldnt fucking hurt looking at him and knowing he has to be the most important character in my immortroll but here we are

KANAYA: Karkat Vantas You Are A Dear Friend But I Will Not Hesitate If You Dont Cease Right This Instant And Allow Our

KANAYA: And I Use The Term Lightly

KANAYA: Guest

KANAYA: To Continue With The Explanation He Refused To Give Until All Of Us Were Present

KARKAT: I

his mouth snaps shut in record time which is to say the fact that it shuts at all is fucking miraculous as shit and it makes me wonder what kind of dark majikks rose has shown her in this "reality."

KARKAT: MUMBLE MUMBLE SOMETHING ABOUT TROLL ANATOMY.

DAVEBOT: yeah so as i was about to say before kanaya so kindly said it for me

DAVEBOT: rain check on the shitfit were kind of on a schedule kitkat

the nickname rolls off so easily i almost forget im not actively his version of myself im both the versace brand and dollar tree clearance version which he cant be too thrilled about

regardless he shuts up and i give the people what they want to hear

the people being the characters in his story and not you reading it. you already know what happened, so i'm not going to rehash but if you forgot

[ ](https://www.homestuck.com/epilogues/meat/44)

or maybe this is more your style

...

oh are you back? all refreshed on the existentialist comedy that is my existence? great lets get this show on the road

DAVE: wait wait

insert obligatory record scratch

DAVE: i have to know

DAVEBOT: what

DAVE: is this a loop are we the time guy again

DAVEBOT: never stopped

to the shock of absolutely nobody dave makes a face like i said i thought adam sandler is a good actor

DAVEBOT: you wish we were that lucky

DAVEBOT: but to answer your question this isnt a loop no

he seems a lot less tense and i remember feeling like i could relax after hearing those words from my own robot mouth

little did i fucking know

DAVEBOT: and weve only got one shot at getting this shit right so

DAVEBOT: what juicy say? shut the fuck up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you enjoy my immortroll: https://twitter.com/mitunabubble/status/1175669510990454784


	28. a short recess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> davebot guides the canon cast in their quest.

the knight of time in his ultimate incarnation is, as the prince has claimed, the one most fit to present him with his first and final defeat. this fact is the reason he was permitted to leave the reality of his origin to begin with, and some may argue that the present nature of his existence is perhaps the sole act of kindness amongst the prince's many transgressions.

he understands, of course, that these transgressions and his own realization of his ultimate self were demands made by the narrative. if he refused to rise to the occasion, someone else would have been selected in his stead. 

every story requires a hero to oppose its villain and dispense punishment for wrongdoings. 

that he would be made to stand against the scratched incarnation of the man who robbed him of his childhood--it is poetic at the same time that it is a joke from a narrator with a very poor sense of humor.

No one expects you to understand that daddy issues are the cornerstone of quality fiction. 

davebot is brief in his account of how this came to be; of how the prince, long before his plans would ever come to fruition, arranged for his demise and subsequent ascension. 

He knows why it has to be this way. Hell, you know why it has to be this way. I don't know why the fuck you all insist on being so fucking obtuse about it. It's nothing personal, but you keep trying to make it into something that is. 

he glosses over much of his personal life. he does not say aloud why the sight of karkat's hand entwined with dave's under the table turns a stomach he no longer has. he does not look to either of my vessels, or explain why he toys with a ring that did not carry over to this body. 

we three, prince, muse, and knight, understand that of all events after the heir's choice, it is only his death that has been of any consequence in that reality.

I think that's the first and only thing you've said that I can actually agree with.

still, he finds himself clinging to that specific life, looking upon the memories with varying degrees of remorse and sorrow. 

DAVEBOT: it was a long time coming

he doesn't expect karkat to talk. it is foolish of him, in retrospect.

oh fuck you

KARKAT: HOW LONG?

DAVE: ...

DAVEBOT: dont say it man

DAVE: but

DAVEBOT: dont 

DAVEBOT: (shit i can just hear the confusion trying to differentiate us)

DAVEBOT: B33 < (good thing i came purrepurred)

DAVE: ...

KARKAT: MAYBE I'M CONFUSED, MAYBE THIS IS ALL STILL A CASE OF HUMAN "CABIN FEVER" INDUCED HALLUCINATIONS PRODUCED BY THE DREAM TEAM THAT IS MY TWISTED SUBCONSCIOUS AND DAVE'S COLLECTION OF ARCHIVED FECAL YOUTUBE VIDEOS--

DAVE: dude dont say it like that

KARKAT: --BUT I'M CURRENTLY UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION, YOU OVERSIZED BULGE-AND-GLOBE WRANGLING DEVICE! 

DAVE: KARKAT! 

DAVEBOT: B33 < no hes right

DAVEBOT: B33 < he phrased it in a way that somehow manages to sound even worse the fifty-millionth time around 

DAVEBOT: B33 < but he is right and to answer your question karc--karkat. its been sixt33n years, two months, a w33k, five days, ten hours, and seven minutes.

the room goes quiet. there is a human expression that is fitting for this moment, contrasting the silence with something so mundane as a dropped pin striking the floor. to both daves, the silence is a freshly sharpened pair of claws against the aluminum walls of the only home you've ever known.

You're worse than my daughter. At least her prose is entertaining. This? This physically hurts me and I wish I didn't have any fucking sense of cognition to process it with. 

ROXY: lmao showoff much

roxy attempts to deflect. she betrays no emotion, but her words fall flat. jake has used the time to finally escape, not that he was contributing to the discussion to begin with.

What else is new? 

karkat stares at davebot. 

KARKAT: SIXTEEN YEARS.

DAVEBOT: B33 < thats what i said 

his gaze bores into the robot, so many emotions flashing across his features in one instant that not even an omniscient being can hope to account for them all. 

I'm going to fucking barf. Do you even read half the shit you type?

his lips part, but all he does is blow air and stomp to the nearest table. davebot watches him go, but does not stray any further from the task at hand. he only corrects his posture, rolling out stiffness in his neck that is not there.

DAVE: roxy

DAVE: please?

the pieces of the seer's vision take their places. 

ROXY: i got u dw ;) 

roxy gets up from the table, leaving only our original grouping, with the additions of dave, kanaya, and the elder of my two vessels. 

ROXY: HEY KITTYKAT!

KANAYA: I Suppose That Leaves Less Room For Distraction

KANAYA: Unless You Plan On Bridging That Gap In Which Case Id Invite You To Meet Jade Green Number Six Nub To Nub

DAVE: come on not the nub 

KANAYA: Dave

ARADIA: yeah i thought humans prefer the face

aradia does not notice as the mood dims, still able to jest even in the face of the greatest doom any of the players have ever faced. kanaya is only just able to spare a smile for an old and dear friend while dave emits a sound like a betrayed squeal.

DAVEBOT: B33 < *clocks ticking so davebot decides to sp33drun this for you*

DAVEBOT: B33 < what happened to me is the same thing thats happened to your wife to the cherub and someday the rest of us too

DAVEBOT: B33 < but first it happened to bro

DAVEBOT: B33 < dirk

dave reaches for kanaya's shoulder at the mention of her wife, and gives it a squeeze when the prince is named. 

davebot allows them a moment to process. kanaya allows dave to comfort her, though the acts bring him more peace than they ever have brought her. 

DAVEBOT: B33 < it was a lot slower for him than any of us but its the same deal

DAVEBOT: B33 < he got to p33k behind the curtain youre never supposed to know is there unless youre god tier and snug as a bug in a rug with your aspect 

DAVEBOT: B33 < for most of us thats just not realistic but dirk got lucky

DAVEBOT: B33 < imagine lucky in quotes tldr he got the class aspect combo thats a shortcut through this bs especially for someone with his head as far up his own asshole as hes shoved it

DAVEBOT: B33 < class is just how you relate to your aspect and sometimes that means how well you know it too and dirk? knows it pretty fuckin well

DAVEBOT: B33 < skaia tasks you to hurt your aspect so you have to know it and for dirk theres no "self" out there he knows better than his own. if the prereq to learn heart all intimately is for him to just destroy himself. hes the man

DAVE: you sound like a slightly cooler rose

DAVEBOT: B33 < no im all you im just old dude 

DAVEBOT: B33 < im old im young im dead im alive im a lot of things but im you. or, youre me but you get to be canon.

DAVE: ... ok ok get on with it

DAVE: wasnt the whole classpect biz supposed to be a challenge did he get cheats for it or im still not sure whats going on here

DAVEBOT: B33 < sometimes its a challenge yeah but sometimes skaia makes a player into what IT n33ds them to be not what THEY n33d to be

KANAYA: Like Building Someone Up So You Can Use Them

KANAYA: Not Because You Care If They Actually Better Themselves

DAVEBOT: B33 < exactly 

kanaya watches davebot explain dirk's role as it functions in the larger narrative. he admits that if he did not fulfill his role, someone else would be selected--but skaia chose wisely, knowing that dirk would view this path as inevitable. she is disatisfied, not seeing how it relates at all to her recovery of her wife. she is right, the two concepts are not yet connected, but when they are, they will be indistinguishable from one another. 

KANAYA: What Does This Have To Do With Rose

as though the mention of her name drew her eye, the seer's gaze falls upon him and time slows to a crawl. he cannot see her but he feels her touch, her storytelling not as heavyhanded as the prince's but far from unobtrusive.

he stares off into a direction that is far from random, and addresses a past narrator directly. 

DAVEBOT: B33 < long time no s33

her sight fades quicky, and where the seer's vision ends, our heroes' meeting continues. 

ARADIA: who are you talking to

DAVEBOT: B33 < our very own in universe p33ping tom light player

DAVE: what

KANAYA: What

davebot looks upon the two of them and for a while, does nothing. he leans back, his lips pursed, and mumbles to himself in a manner that he often does. it sounds foreign to their ears, what with a distinct lack of knightly insecurities, but it is him, perfected.

the glow behind his shades flickers and dims. after ten minutes, his volume fades to a negligible level, and kanaya and dave find themselves leaning in to hear him properly.

DAVEBOT: B33 < you should be here at the end

DAVEBOT: B33 < its essential that you are hands down 

DAVEBOT: B33 < yall came along to save a friend

DAVEBOT: B33 < but its not your fight stand down

KANAYA: It Was My Fight The Moment Dirk Strider Felt The Need To Steal My Wife From Me And Convince Me Fucking Off Into Space Was Somehow In Her Best Interest As Though He Knows What That Is Better Than I

the sylph bares her fangs and her skin brightens as she struggles to maintain her restraint. 

ARADIA: kanaya hes not very nice but he is trying to help

DAVEBOT: B33 < down girl

dave looks from his alternate future self to his sister-in-law that he's had to watch fall apart for months. the loss has left a void in her, an incomparable pain, and a growing numbness in its wake. she does not and will not understand that the ones destined to defeat the prince have already been selected from aspects fit to stand against his. heart requires a touch heavier than space, in a healing vessel, can provide.

DAVE: dude

davebot mumbles at a frequency neither of them can hear. aradia clears her throat, but it is jade's head turning to him, expression terse, that reminds him they have very little time.

DAVEBOT: B33 < like i said

DAVEBOT: B33 < its not your fight

DAVEBOT: B33 < all of you, i'm not gonna do a fucking roll call you know who belongs to your squad. 

dave thinks of karkat, and roxy. aradia's mind, for a moment, remembers sollux and the terms on which they parted after spending so much time together time had lost its meaning. kanaya thinks of no one but davebot, whose face she would gladly rearrange if presented the opportunity. 

DAVEBOT: B33 < all of you got lives to live and people to get home to

DAVEBOT: B33 < the story doesnt end here for you and it cant

DAVEBOT: B33 < me?

DAVEBOT: B33 < end of the road

his words seem to echo. neither jade nor aradia punctuate his statement for it applies evenly to each of them. though it is nothing so simple as "the end" it is, in fact, the end of any and all narrative significance they shall have. they exist to stop the prince, secure the fate of all existence, and if possible, ensure a chance to live for all of them. 

nothing more, nothing less.

DAVEBOT: B33 < but i n33d a favor

KANAYA: A Favor

the knights head swivels cleanly to a troll two tables down. he, karkat, is gesturing wildly at his husktop while the rogue pretends to listen.

one might mistake him as being upset over the loss of control of his story, but he is only venting in a way unique to him. the true source of his anguish is the sight of a dave sixteen years doomed and confined to a robotic chassis. 

he grieves for him. he pines after him. and he does not know why.

blood sings. it calls to him from a place it has ceased to flow, and he feels the pulse of it with every glance or passing thought of that once-human. 

it's like an itch, and just as sudden, but he cannot yet recognize what skaia has already predetermined.

DAVEBOT: B33 < not a scratch on him

DAVE: ...heard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you enjoy my immortroll, please consider commissioning me! https://twitter.com/mitunabubble/status/1172364636919926784


	29. give it up for chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just thought id air out the narrative before we get to act two 
> 
> youre welcome

one by one everyone files out of the mess hall 

there are those that dont want to hang around after i made things all heavy telling my alternate past self not to fucking fuck this shit up and let karkat die

there are those that are emotionally drained and in need of a long nap and maybe drugs while theyre at it not that im promoting that shit cause this is a good christian fairy tale

dave sneaks another look at me as hes leaving

i for one havent budged except to prop my feet up on the table again

the only one that decides to hang back is slightly-older jade slash the cherub but im starting to doubt she actually is capable of complex movement past giving me the evil eye every now and then when she feels like being extra creepy

even now shes just kind of staring straight ahead

her eyes are totally glazed over and she looks about five minutes from spinning her head around backwards and crabwalking on the ceiling while speaking in tongues so

thats neat i guess

my joints whirr where they used to creak or pop as i shift myself into a position that i guess is comfortable in my head but physically makes no difference

without any sort of input from me i start remembering vividly where i was, where dave is, all the places he could be. 

the thing they dont tell you about maxing out the god levels is that given theres no true alpha timeline there exists infinite realities where my bro pulls the same exact stunt, i go after him sometimes i fail sometimes i succeed. the nice ones would be the ones where he stays behind and doesnt do this but he dies pretty early on in those

which must have been deliberate on his ultimate self's part the asshole that hes become or hes always been 

yeah i read the script im spoiled as fuck about the ending of this particular reality or at least what it SHOULD be if he can find it in him to not be a goddamn pill about it we can support canon without collapsing the fabric of all existence in the process or turning all our loved ones into props for a story that they want no part in

thats my grand role

daves is 

daves role is figuring out how long he can make out with karkat before their faces end up fusing and we have to turn the ship around to get them surgically separated

in theory anyway were two hours out and exactly five minutes past the point of no return i don't know one hundred percent how long did it take you to read this? five minutes sounds about right

despite what my robot hell brain would have you believe i have no interest in what dave and karkat get up to i know when and where i fucked up and ive had to live with that across more lifetimes than i care to count 

i dont have to see those daves memories every time i close my eyes to know i was compounding mistakes every time i snatched my hand away from his like shit was on fucking fire or refused to talk about us or let jade believe i loved her as anything more than my best friend

but it doesnt matter now cause theres no going back

im not able to

and if i wanted to

which i dont bee tee dubs

i cant go back as the dave they remember growing old with. they can try to revive me what with two god tiered life players running around on opposite sides of the war effort and a metric fuckton of dead ones able to coexist with them once the world stopped being true but it wont matter what they do

my body could still breathe my heart could still beat and ill still be as dead as they come

you know though

i think for all my capacity to feel shitty about this turn of events

i know i have to be at peace with it

i think its part of becoming the ultimate knight of time and realizing what that actually MEANS 

im doing better by jade and by karkat being here, doing this than i would be complicating shit there and being highkey miserable for all my attempts to cover it up with humor and strider brand ironies

even when i stopped making jumps and my turntables wound up rotting in the bottom of my sylladex i always thought of myself as the time guy but i dont think i ever really knew what time was 

maybe on the surface

but not past that

DAVEBOT: whatever

anyway were at the point where i take over this operation and cause i dont want to be like him 

i never have not in any reality or timeline or whatever the fuck construct 

i dont think i could but im not about to test that theory

boom [link](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSet7P9Pf_iOVgKf88N1NLec4UrjZM7fA4Mc_Z2ZOypORb-wxg/viewform?usp=sf_link)

KANAYA: Everyone Come To The Command Block

KANAYA: Were Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no comment necessary
> 
> from me anyway yall keep commenting i love reading that shit


	30. act two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just you me and this giant brick wall i built between us

Let's be clear.

Even though one of my splinters has made a show of "holding the fate of canon" in his hand and "taking control of the narrative" from some orange guy who he's probably hallucinated to pass the time.

I mean, _three years?_ It's a clever callback to the "beta" group's intersession journey but still. Why bother when you can shift into maximum overdrive and be there in a matter of months? As in, real world time. It'll blow readers' minds. Or, you know, it would've. If you had been smart enough to think of that.

We might lack proper landing gear but *ngl*sh would never forget a fucking _staple_ of sci-fi action cinema.

Anyway, I see this splinter, I see his created reality, and I have elected to ignore both of them. 

Rather than hit the planet itself, we crash land on the moon. We're like assassins staking out a target from down the street rather than in their fucking driveway, aka, we have some amount of common sense to test the waters rather than jump in headfirst and drown like a bunch of goddamn idiots. 

The planet it orbits sits just ahead, half of it lit by the sun, and half blending into the void around us. Not that the planet is that much brighter to begin with. It looks kind of like what you get when you're a greedy little shithead who shovels down all the chiclet flavors at once cause you've only got the one quarter on you but your ape brain is demanding candy bubbles and fast. Only darker, and more rotund. And, interestingly, larger than Earth. 

It's "night" but there's only a slight chill and I'm confident it's the pantaloons plus tights combo I've got on, but I'll be damned if I'm not fancy-tiered for the occasion. I'm representing a pantheon of gods currently consisting of myself and robo-Rose. It's up to me to look the part. 

Speaking of, she's really dragging her hooves. I seem to be the only one with any sense of urgency, or lingering cognitive ability, because her and Terezi don't fucking budge until I give them a less than subtle narrative push through the cargo deck and down the exit ramp.

Rose ambulates--and that's really the only word for her stiff "Did you know I'm a robot?" movement--to a short distance from where I stand. It's not her I want, though. Not yet.

TEREZI: D1D 1 S4Y HOW MUCH 1 H4T3 TH1S? 1'V3 DON3 MOR3 B1TCH1NG TH4N K4RK4T 4T K4N4Y4'S HUM4N "B4CH3LOR3TT3 P4RTY" 4ND 1F YOU H4D B33N 1NV1T3D YOU WOULD KNOW TH4T'S R34LLY FUCK1NG 1MPR3SS1V3

ROSE: I wasn't there, but she does have a point. 

Why was Karkat at the bachelorette party? Dave told us all at the bachelor party--you know what, nevermind. 

DIRK: We're getting off track.

DIRK: Did you bring the wallet?

She stops gnawing on the D battery pinched between her foreclaw and thumb, and sniffs once. If that's code for something, she neglects to clue me in.

TEREZI: M4YB3

As fun as it would be to fuck with Dirk on the cusp of the most important events this side of canon, Terezi decides to knock that shit off, park the car before she puts it in drive, etcetera, and just tell me what I want to know. She knows it's better for both of us if she goes along with my plan. Fucking with me, stalling me, none of it is going to bring her back. She doesn't have to "see" to know that.

She doesn't even need my voice in her head.

TEREZI: STOP TH4T!!!! STOP!! 

TEREZI: 1T'S R1GHT H3R3!!! 

That's not necessary.

Neither are her games.

She shoves the wallet into my hands, teeth bared like she's trying out for Shark Week. 

DIRK: Wasn't that easy?

im getting ready to leave the mess hall finally when he comes in

karkat

well the version thats less caked up on a friday afternoon and full of nostalgia triggers

were literally at our destination but this talk has to happen so time decrees

DAVEBOT: what can i do you for

KARKAT: SHUT UP.

KARKAT: AND BY SHUT UP I MEAN SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN AND EXPLAIN YOUR POORLY CONCEIVED JOKE OF A BACKSTORY, BOT. 

KARKAT: YOU DON'T JUST... UGH!!

he starts pacing so i do as he said and plop my happy ass on the floor. i let him yell to his widdle hearts content while the cogs of time slow to a crawl around us 

itd be more convenient if i could stop it completely but even with my ultimate understanding of my aspect and accompanying omniscience (fuck thats pretentious watch out davebot your dirk is showing) i have my limits. aradia could do it but her limits are physical so im saving that card for when we actually need it not for this sort of heart to heart were about to have

do i want to have this talk? not at all. i can really only guess at what hes got to say something something trollginas but like the perjorative version blabbity fucking blah one nugget of emotional wisdom

that is definitely something ive resigned myself to never having and while we could always dig into why that is consider that maybe not everything in a story has to be spelled out you know we DONT have to talk about the elephant in the room we can ignore it and he can go on with his day and i can go on with my quote unquote heroics that capital c canon dave doesnt need to bother himself with because he really does get to just be the dave of guy like we always wanted lucky him insert the slowest fucking clap possible without digital enhancement

karkat simmers down and decaptchalogues the infamous chair that he knows is tacky beyond belief, especially when he sits in it backwards which hes doing

*right now*

DAVEBOT: ill do you the solid of not saying anything about the chair

KARKAT: WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY CHAIR?

DAVEBOT: oh hell no im not rehashing that conversation 

DAVEBOT: just get to your point so we can try take two of getting this show on the goddamn road beating the bad guy saving the day you know how it goes

KARKAT: YOU FORGOT THE PART WHERE YOU JUST *APPEAR* MID-MISSION, TAKE OVER, AND DODGE EVERY SLIGHTLY PERSONAL YET COMPLETELY REASONABLE QUESTION LIKE ITS YOUR AUDITION FOR ALTERNIAN NINJA WARRIOR.

KARKAT: YOU DROPPED THE "oh yeah, karkat, i'm dave from sixteen years in the alternate future and also a robot because obama which sounds like and probably is hoofbeast shit i yanked out of my waste chute so i could pull one over on karkat ha ha fucking ha" BOMB, GAVE A SHITTY SYNOPSIS OF YOUR TIMELINE, NO SPECIFICS, AND WORST OF ALL...

he sighs and hits his forehead on the back of the chair challenging my past self for the king of the sadsacks title

i still win because being 39 adds an extra layer of pathetic to that variety of embarrassing shitshow

DAVEBOT: pick your head up king

KARKAT: CAN IT, I'M NOT DONE.

he rests his chin on the back of the chair and glares at me but i can see his hearts not in it and if thats not tragic i dont know what to tell you 

see i was never really the prose type that was always rose and karkats biz back on our earth c before well we got old and grew apart like i guess is supposed to be a normal if shitty adult thing you still see your sister but its not the same you never really see your ex best bro slash love of your life dude didnt even bother to show up to your wedding and while you should be mad about that it just makes you sad probably the newly acknowledged and fifth stage of grief accepted "gay thing" happening again

its not something i can turn off but i know how its gone in other timelines so its for the best i let it rock and wow if looks could kill karkat might make a dent in my chassis (?)

hes got on a specific type of i cant fucking stand you but here i am anyway hashtag real clown girl shit look that ive only ever seen on the version of him i knew

or i used to not to gotye on main

KARKAT: YOU THINK TOO LOUD.

DAVEBOT: i didnt say anything

KARKAT: YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

this would be a good time for pre battle introspection or even to elaborate on what the fuck battle is supposed to mean in the context of a larger narrative when it takes place post canon  
and that just opens the what even is canon door and i gotta say im not a fan of dwelling on it

i prefer just doing what has to be done im not here to ruminate and circlejerk about it the way the canon versions of my sister and brother have been doing. torturing themselves with their aspects instead of letting them guide them

for all his talk dirk hasnt really surrendered to his aspect 

i dont have much of a leg (paw?) to stand on but ive had more than a brush with heart and i know its not something you control its something you follow asshole

god that sounds corny 

at least im safe inside my mind

KARKAT: THE WORST THING IS THAT I DON'T EVEN FEEL AS ANGRY AS I SHOULD FEEL. I LOOK AT YOU AND I FEEL SAD. I FEEL LIKE I'M SEEING YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS BUT WE JUST MET. WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?

i know the answer of course i do knowing shit is my thing now in the knightly sense of the word whatever that means

DAVEBOT: common sense probably

DAVEBOT: im your boyfriend but if he were also a dead old man piloting a sick robobod 

DAVEBOT: well i am and im not but weve touched on that already

naturally that does jack shit to help him and probably comes off more than a little creepy so i switch gears

DAVEBOT: look kid

KARKAT: DON'T CALL ME THAT, I'M NOT A GRUB. CALL ME ANY ONE OF THE ASININE SHORTHANDS YOU HAVE UP YOUR SLEEVE, "KID" IS NOW AND FOREVER *BANNED*.

DAVEBOT: karkatherine?

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST KARKAT. DON'T CALL ME ANYTHING ELSE, I *WILL* LEAVE YOU HERE TIN-CAN MAN. 

DAVEBOT: you stopped *me* to talk dude not the other way around

DAVEBOT: pretty sure youd be the one #skruggling if i decided to bounce

KARKAT: THAT'S NOT THE POINT, AND YOU KNOW IT.

i know im playing with fire saying i missed this but yeah

ill just put that out there so i dont have to keep thinking it

DAVEBOT: ...

KARKAT: ...

DAVEBOT: ...its probably your aspect

DAVEBOT: you dont have to be god tier to have a strong connection to it

KARKAT: I'VE NEVER HAD THAT, THOUGH? 

DAVEBOT: mm i think you have but not in the way that i have or better example terezi 

i then proceed to dish out classpect 101 knowledge in another chapter that isnt this one because i realize this is getting too long

deuces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess whos back (back again) 
> 
> if you havent already, please check out end of evantrollian, next in the series! it's my immortroll's candy timeline equivalent, a direct and parallel sequel to this gorgeous monster.  
https://archiveofourown.org/works/21152354/chapters/50343203


	31. [S] Continue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The narrative takes on a new form.

  
  


davebot tells karkat his theory as to why karkat is only now becoming attuned to the flow of blood across universes.

blood is a constant. the ebb and flow of it extends even to the furthest reaches of the most distant realities, tethering each instance, every timeline, together. as a hero of it, karkat lies at its heart.

were he ascended, the knight of blood would feel every connection between everyone bound not by space, time, or proximity. as he is only himself, however, he can only feel the ties he has or perhaps, in another reality, would have had. 

davebot does not share with him that the intensity of the longing he feels is the accumulation of infinite timelines, where neither of the two knights tells the other of their feelings. timelines where they are not even aware of the depth of their panquadrant affections. he shares with him only what is necessary, and asks of him something he understands karkat may not be able to give.

DAVEBOT: take care of each other 

DAVEBOT: but dont try to be a hero. its overrated anyway

on the deck below them, where the cargo is held, the page and the rogue loiter as they truly come to terms with the decisions of an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would you believe this was done in a day? the planning happened the day before but i got possessed by a demon and churned the actual thing out in. Today. meant i missed out on vriskaquest but ill get to her now that this is posted. anyway, as usual, feel free to share your QUESTIONS, COMMENTS & CONCERNS! i love reading them


End file.
